Status Quo
by CompletlyOffTheRails
Summary: Rafael Barba may be a rising attorney in Manhattan, but he has a difficult time shaking his troubled past. He believes that he is unworthy and he sinks into the darkness of an abusive relationship. Olivia may be the only person who can prove to him that he deserves better.
1. Chapter 1

A sinking feeling overcame him as soon as he knocked the plate off of the counter. Knowing full well that his father would hear the plate as it skittered across the floor, he stared at his sandwich and at the overturned plate as it finally came to a rest on the linoleum. _You little fucking idiot,_ he thought to himself. _Not now, not tonight_. It was the weekend and he wanted to outside to play with Alex and Eddie. Now, as always, he had ruined everything. He closed his eyes and held his breath, and waited for the inevitable.

Soon, his papi's shadow appeared on the floor. A quick and angry slap across Rafael's cheek sent him flying against the counter. He pressed himself against the kitchen cupboard behind him, and his hands fumbled to support himself against the counter. Before he could brace himself, another slap across his face landed with a loud smack which sent the eight year old stumbling sideways. He closed his eyes and prayed for God to help him, to make Papi love him, to make him into a good boy that didn't make Papi angry all the time; but God was not on his side.

* * *

God wasn't on his side then, and he certainly wasn't on his side now either as his fingers curled around the ledge of the bedroom dresser. Here he was, more than 30 years later, cornered by another angry and violent man that could not be reasoned with.

Another violent slap stung his cheek, but Rafael remained emotionless. Tears formed in his eyes from the sting and shock, but he knew to ride this out and not to protest. Doug's anger will subside soon enough, the angry tirade will end, and everything will be calm again. Rafael was all too familiar with the predictable pattern that clung to him since he was a child and he knew how to handle this situation. Don't cry, don't beg, and don't apologize until Doug had calmed down. What Rafael didn't know, was how _not_ to enrage the people in his life; be it his boyfriend Doug, or his father in the past.

Although Rafael's father had been dead for years, he and Doug had much in common. Rafael was a constant source of anger and frustration to Doug, just as he had been to his father. And like his father, Doug was obsessed with almost every move Rafael made. It was that obsession that had led to this particular beating; a series of phone call hang ups and blocked numbers that convinced Doug that the man who had flirted with Rafael one night was calling, and that Rafael was secretly planning to hook up with him.

"Did you give him your number?" Doug screamed as he grabbed Rafael by the collar and pulled him close.

Rafael shook his head. "No."

Another slap. "Then who is calling and blocking their number?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you lying to me? Does he know what a fucking loser you are? I don't even know why I put up with you."

Rafael closed his eyes and prepared himself for the next slap while trying to tune-out Doug's verbal tirade.

"Would you rather be with him? Then go ahead. But no one else will tolerate your crap. No matter what you think, you're just little piece of shit from the ghetto, just remember that," Doug screamed. He grasped Rafael's arm and twisted it behind his back, his fist clenched so tight that the friction felt like a burn. With all of his might, Doug shoved him forward and hurled insults as Rafael stumbled and fell face-first onto the bed.

"You'd better not forget that you owe me money," Doug yelled. "I am not taking you to dinner tonight. I don't know if I even want to be seen with such a disgusting little slut!" he screamed as he left the room and slammed the door behind him.

Rafael sat up and examined his arm; pink already. The outline of what was obviously a hand was practically faded, which meant it had been at least a couple of weeks since he had last really pissed off Doug. _Fuck._ Now, another handprint would mar his forearm. _Fuck._ To make things worse, it was early July and the temperature was supposed to be in the high 80s all week. Tenderly, he reached up and touched his cheek and hoped it wouldn't bruise.

As he held the side of his face, Rafael racked his brain, trying to remember the night the man had flirted with him. _I did smile at him. I didn't want him to buy me a drink, but he sent it to our table,_ he recalled. _Doug is right. Why do I always screw everything up?_ Rafael sighed and curled up on the bed and waited until he was sure that Doug had calmed down, which could take anywhere from minutes to hours. And then, when Doug was reasonable, he could approach him and apologize. Rafael's father had taught him well.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm sorry, Doug. I...I didn't mean to cause any trouble," Rafael said. He scrunched up his face and turned his head away from Doug's slobbering kisses and the overwhelming stench of alcohol on his breath.

"It's OK. Everything's going to be OK," Doug panted. "Don't turn away from me, Rafi." He cupped his face and placed another aggressive kiss on his mouth and pushed Rafael to the bed. "You know I don't mean to get so mad at you. I went crazy thinking of someone else with you. I love you," Doug murmured as he crawled into bed and fiddled with the button on Rafael's jeans.

"Doug," Rafael said. "Doug, I love you too. I hope you know that," he said, hoping he sounded sincere. He looked sideways at the bottle of lube laying on the bed and squeezed his eyes shut. Sex with Doug after a fight was not his idea of a good time, and it was usually worse when he had been drinking. There was no point in resisting, so he smiled as Doug slowly pulled his t-shirt over his head and slid his pants and briefs down. Giving in would usually put Doug in a good mood and he hoped that tonight would be no exception.

"That's better," Doug said. He climbed on top of Rafael and ran his hand up and down his bare chest before resting his hand on his stomach. "Getting a little pudgy, aren't you?" he whispered into his ear. With a smile Doug reached for the lube and spread Rafael's legs with his knees. "Relax, Rafi. It's been such a long time," he slurred. "I've missed this."

"Me too," Rafael said, forcing himself to smile and look into Doug's eyes. He let out a gasp as Doug entered him in one quick movement. "Doug, please," he said, grimacing and grinding his teeth.

"Just relax, baby. God, you feel so good. I almost forgot how good you feel," Doug said. He held Rafael's shoulders in a vice-grip and rocked back and forth with a look of sheer ecstasy on his face.

Rafael closed his eyes, and as his body rocked back and forth with each of Doug's thrusts his mind wandered from the present moment and pondered how on earth he would ever manage to extract Doug from his life. It needed to be done, Rafael knew, but how?

* * *

Conflicting thoughts raced through Rafael's mind and played with his emotions like a tug of war as he sighed and looked over at Olivia. As he got to know her, he knew that she truly cared and empathized with the victims she worked with. Her aura of caring, kindness, and warmth was genuine, as genuine as his grandmother's had been.

What intrigued him even more, was that Olivia was always very sympathetic with male victims; never making light of their situation and even chastising those that criticised them. She always helped to alleviate their shame, and maybe she could help him overcome his.

Such simple things, like the way that she put things into words tweaked his mind, but also caused a conflict within him. Listening to and absorbing her words overtime made him wonder if some of the things that had happened to him throughout his life were wrong. He had always viewed the way Doug treated him as normal, expected, and deserved, but lately a sense that something was wrong began to creep into Rafael's thoughts. He desperately wanted to tell her about how his father had hit him and about how Doug treated him. She had been sympathetic to him during the scandal involving Alex. And when Alex publicly humiliated him, she proved to be someone he could trust, and for Rafael, that was rare.

Rafael sat back in the chair and twirled his pen between his fingers, wondering how to bring his situation up to her. Unusually lost for words, he gathered his nerve and blurted out, "Remember the Jocelyn Paley case?"

Olivia looked up from her desk and smiled at him. "That's pretty random, but yes. It was the first case we worked together. What made you bring that up?"

Rafael stared at her. His mouth opened and closed and he fiddled with the pen in his hands and tapped it on the desk. He took a deep breath. _"Olivia, a couple oft nights before the arraignment I was beaten so badly, that I thought I wouldn't make court. My boyfriend beat me up. He was kicking me and throwing me around. When it comes to sex, he doesn't always take 'no' for an answer, and there I was, telling the media that 'no means no.' It was too ironic, prosecuting Paley's attacker, while my own body was covered in bruises."_

"Rafael? The Paley case? What about it?"

"I don't know. Just came into my mind," he said, losing his nerve and looking down at the notes she handed to him. He knew she would probably tell him to leave Doug, but that was easier said than done. For a moment, he thought of saying nothing, rolling up his sleeve to expose the nasty hand-print on his arm, or pulling up his shirt to show the black and blue bruise that covered his left side. "How are things with Noah?"

Olivia's face lit up. "He's doing great! I can't believe how much he's progressed."

Rafael let his breath out slowly, his heart pounded in his chest. If Doug ever found out that he had even considered telling...


	3. Chapter 3

"Doug?" Rafael called. He put his briefcase down and hung up his jacket in the closet. "Sorry I'm late."

"Where were you?"

"I tried calling, I was late at work."

"That's funny, I tried to call you and your phone went to voicemail. Your dinner is in the microwave."

"Thanks. I had to have my phone off for a bit. Meeting with the DA," Rafael said as he stood waiting for his supper to heat up.

Doug followed him into the kitchen and stood at the counter. "Why were you working late?" he asked as the microwave beeped.

"The usual, tough case, evidence is a mess, defence is coming up with arguments out of left field," Rafael answered. He took the steaming plate and sat down. "Thanks for making supper. This looks and smells fantastic," he said with a smile as he dug into his meal.

"Are you going to be late again tomorrow?" Doug asked, pouring himself a tumbler of bourbon, Woodford's, that Rafael had bought for him.

"I hope not. I'm exhausted from the case already."

While Rafael ate, Doug sipped at his bourbon and tidied the kitchen. "All done?" Doug asked when he saw Rafael place his fork and knife on the empty plate. "Why don't you go relax? I'll clean up."

"Thanks." Rafael smiled and pushed his chair out from the table. He reached up and gave Doug a hug. "It was great. You're an amazing chef," Rafael said. He gave Doug another squeeze and went to change out of his suit.

"Here, baby," Doug said, patting the couch beside him when Rafael emerged from the bedroom wearing a T-shirt and pair of jeans. "Come, sit." Doug patted the couch again and smiled when Rafael sat next to him and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. "Rafi, I need you to tell me something," he said and took a sip of bourbon.

Suddenly, Rafael felt tenseness in Doug's arm "Anything," he said, trying to sound as casual as possible. His heart began to pound and the illogical part of his mind wondered if he knew that he had considered telling Olivia his secret.

"Why are you putting in so many hours all of a sudden?" Doug asked.

"I told you, it's the case. And, I have to do what the DA says, so…"

Doug pulled his arm away and downed what was left in the glass. "So that's more important to you than me?"

"Of course not. It's just that, well, you know how my job is."

Doug slammed his glass onto the coffee table and Rafael jumped. Knowing he had to get away, he slowly inched himself away and stood up. Doug lunged forward, grabbed him by the waist, and threw him to the floor.

"Where do you think you're going? We're not done!" Doug screamed and kicked at Rafael's legs and arms. He bent down, grabbed Rafael by his arm and pulled him to his feet. "Look at me," he yelled, as he shook him. "Where were you? And don't lie to me."

"Doug, I'm not lying. I would never lie to you. Never," Rafael said.

"You lying little fuck," Doug shouted. He put his arm around Rafael's neck. "Tell me the truth," he yelled, squeezing his throat.

Fearing for his life, Rafael frantically tried to pry Doug's arm away. His body writhed and his feet scrambled on the floor when Doug jerked his arm even tighter.

"You're a lying piece of shit. I went to bring you lunch today, and I saw you eating with a black guy. Who's that? Your new sugar daddy?"

"No, he's one of the detectives," Rafael said, terrified at the thought of Doug watching him during the day. "You're hurting me."

"I'm hurting you? I'm hurting you? How the fuck do you think I feel? I go to bring you lunch, and there you are with a fuck buddy?"

Rafael held his hands on Doug's arm, his eyes wide with fright. No matter what he said Doug wouldn't believe him.

"Did you suck his cock for dessert?" Releasing him from his stranglehold, Doug held Rafael against the wall and banged his head against it. "I asked you a question. Did you suck him off?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not. I'm telling you the truth. Please. Stop," Rafael said, his voice rising as he pleaded.

Doug dragged him to the bedroom and threw him to the ground. He slapped his face, grabbed his shoulders, and banged his head against the floor. "Tell me!" he screamed. "Did he fuck you?"

The room spun around him as Rafael lay curled on the floor. He closed his eyes and put his hands over his face to make the room stop spinning. Doug's voice echoed in his head; angry, shouting, and threatening. Rafael's head pounded and when he opened his mouth to talk he couldn't form a thought. All he saw was Doug's blurry form finally walking away.

* * *

Rafael couldn't tell long he had been lying on the floor, but when the light flicked on, his foggy mind told him that he must have been there for hours. He lifted his head off the floor when Doug came back to the room and climbed into bed.

"Get undressed," Doug ordered. "It's late."

Rafael moaned and feebly pulled off his T-shirt and jeans. He stood and with a moan he collapsed on the bed, hoping that the rest of the night would be peaceful.

* * *

Through the fog in his brain Rafael heard a distant beep growing louder and echoing in his pounding head.

"Rafi…Rafi...Wake up, baby. It's six thirty."

Rafael opened his eyes to Doug leaning over him and shaking his shoulder. "Come on, Rafi…Get up…Stop fooling around. You're going to be late for work."

"Uhh, Doug, I'm not feeling that great," Rafael said, groaning as he raised his hand to his head. He shifted slowly in bed and sat up. His head pounded and as the events of the previous night came back to him, he shuddered before laying back in bed.

"Fine," Doug snapped. He took Rafael's phone from the dresser and dialed the DA's office as he walked out of the bedroom.

Rafael sighed and curled up on his side. The way his head ached, he was almost positive that he had suffered a concussion at the hands of Doug. He blinked his eyes to rid them of the tears that blurred his vision.

"I called work for you," Doug said when he came back into the room. "You'll have to call them later."

"Thanks," Rafael said, holding his head and letting out a soft moan. "I'm really not doing well. My head...I've got pounding headache."

"Do you need to sleep a bit?"

Rafael closed his eyes and nodded.

"I'm taking the day off too. I'll be right back, I'll go get you some Tylenol."

"OK," Rafael whispered.

"Here, open up," Doug said, when he returned to the room. He placed two Tylenol with codeine in his mouth and passed a glass of water to Rafael's shaking hands.

"Thanks." Rafael lay down on his side and hoped that the painkillers would kick in soon. He shuddered when Doug lay down, spooning him, whispering apologies into his ear and running his hand through his hair as tears slid down Rafael's cheeks.

* * *

"Hey there. Leaving already?" Olivia asked, when she saw Rafael ready to leave the precinct.

"Yeah, Fin filled me in on what I missed. I've got to get back to the office."

"Feeling better?"

He smiled. "Yeah, thanks."

"Must have been a pretty bad bug if you needed two days to recover."

"Umm, yeah, brutal. You have no idea," he said. "No idea," he repeated softly, frowning and blinking his eyes.

"Wow, you're good now though?"

"Yeah…" He looked up at her, briefly locking his eyes with hers before looking away. He cleared his throat. "Don't worry, it's nothing contagious..."

"Well, glad you're better," she said. Olivia furrowed her brow as she watched him walk ahead of her towards the elevator. His face flinched and he seemed to be stiff. "Are you sure you're ok? You're walking like a 90 year old."

"Yeah, I hit the gym a bit too hard," he said.

"Really? I'm not your mother, but it's not good to be going to the gym when you're sick."

"I'll see you later," Rafael said and pushed the elevator button.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Take care of yourself," she called before the elevator doors shut.

* * *

Olivia couldn't get Rafael out of her mind so she eagerly volunteered to bring the file he needed over to his office. Maybe she could convince him to go home and get some rest. She approached his office and knocked softly on the partially opened door.

A tall, somewhat stocky man of about 50 rose from his seat and extended his hand to her. "Come on in. Rafael should be back in just a moment."

"Thank you." She smiled and shook his hand. "I just came by to drop these off," she said, placing the files on his desk. "I'm Olivia Benson."

"Ahh, so you're Olivia. Nice to meet you. Sergeant, am I correct?"

"Just Olivia."

"I'm Doug Harte."

"Oh, Doug. Nice to finally meet you," she said, smiling. "I've heard so much about you. All good of course."

"I had just dropped by to take Rafael to lunch. Would you like to join us?"

"I would love to, but I'll have to take a rain check on that. I've got to be heading back to the precinct."

"Well, maybe next time then."

"You can count on it," she said. "I'm glad to see he's feeling better."

"Yeah, he sure was sick. Knocked him right out. I wanted him to stay home today too, but, you know Rafael, way too stubborn."

"Olivia?" a voice called from the door. "What are you doing here?" Rafael asked, hoping his shock at her presence wasn't too obvious. He hurried as best he could to his desk and calmly flipped open the stack of papers Olivia had delivered.

"Ah, here he is," Doug said, smiling.

"I just dropped by to bring the file you had asked for," Olivia said.

"Oh, right…" Rafael looked nervously from Olivia to Doug. "Olivia, this is Doug. Doug, Olivia Benson."

"It's OK, we did the introductions already," Olivia said. "I think you should find all the paperwork in order. Fin and Carisi worked on it all morning."

"I'll give you two a moment," Doug said. "I'll be right back."

"Rafael," Olivia said when Doug left. "He's sweet. Nice looking too. And, he's right by the way, you should have probably taken another day at home."

"Yeah, he's great." Rafael's mouth twitched into a small smile. He studied Olivia's face for a moment and determined that her smile was genuine. Thankfully, she hadn't suspected a thing. "He's great," Rafael said again. "He even stayed home with me when I was really...ill."

"Good. I'm glad you're happy. You deserve it," Olivia said, her smile growing even broader. "Well, I don't want to keep you two from lunch, and I have to be getting back to the precinct," she said.

"Doug," Olivia said, extending her hand to him when he returned. "It was very nice to meet you, and we'll all definitely get together for lunch soon." She smiled at the cute couple as Doug put his arm around Rafael's shoulders. Her smile faded as she did up her jacket and noticed Rafael stare at her before looking down at the floor. When Doug squeezed his shoulders Rafael looked up and forced a tiny, quick smile before his eyes cast downward again. He must still be sick, she thought.

"Bye, Liv," Rafael said, still looking at the floor. "Thanks."


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael positioned himself on the couch and faced the kitchen, his eyes darting up from his laptop every few seconds, his hand on the mouse ready to click on the "Do you need to navigate away from this page?" button in an instant.

"Rafi," Doug called, walking towards the living room. "Suppers ready."

Rafael's finger left-clicked on the mouse, and navigated away from the information on domestic violence website. "OK." Sweat formed on his forehead and his heart pounded. _That was close, too close_. He'd never do that again while Doug was home.

Wincing in pain, he held his side and made his way to the table. He tried to eat and show interest in conversing with Doug, but every move he made, even the simple motion of lifting his fork to his mouth, sent waves of pain through him. It had been three days since Doug had beaten him, and his pain was still bad.

"What's the matter?" Doug asked, his voice flat and without a hint of concern in his question.

"I'm not feeling all that great," Rafael said, glancing over at Doug to gauge his reaction.

"So what's the problem now? Headache, stomach-ache, what?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you need to be more specific than 'yeah'."

"Headache and pain…my stomach hurts too."

"Your stomach is sore because you're taking too many painkillers," Doug announced. He cursed under his breath, and walked to the kitchen, returning with a bottle of painkillers. "Here. No more of these after today." He popped open the cap and shook two pills into Rafael's hand, and stood over him as he swallowed them. "Now finish your dinner. You need to eat."

Even though his stomach was in knots and unsettled, Rafael forced himself to take a few more bites of his meal. When he was unable to eat anymore, he pushed his food around on his plate as he wondered how his life had become so pathetic. "I can't finish. I just need to lie down for a bit," Rafael said, aware of Doug's eyes glaring at him.

"Oh for gods sake." Doug slammed his cutlery down and pushed his chair from the table. "Knock it off already," he said when he saw Rafael jump in his chair. "You don't even have the courtesy to appreciate the meal I made. Get out of here and go lie down then." The cutlery and plate clinked together as Doug gathered them and stormed into the kitchen.

Rafael curled up in bed and thought of what he should say, if anything, to Olivia. He didn't want to leave, but he was becoming more and more afraid that one day Doug would go too far. Beatings were becoming more frequent and it was getting harder for him to read Doug's moods. What Doug tolerated one day could easily send him into a blind rage the next.

He flinched and rolled over certain that his ribs were broken or at least bruised. In his mind, he composed how he could broach the subject with Olivia. It wouldn't be easy to tell her, but if there was anyone that could advise him it would be her. _What if she thinks I'm pathetic? I'm an adult, and I'm successful in my career. Why can't I look after myself? No, she wouldn't think that. Would she?_

He closed his eyes but as hard as he tried, he couldn't sleep. His mind raced, conflicted, and his heart was torn. Doug's attacks had become progressively more and more violent. At first, he had been sweet and gentle. Then, came slaps across the face and the odd push or shove. Now, he punched, kicked, and tossed him around.

Sex was now always initiated by Doug, and Rafael found himself developing a total aversion to it. Even when Doug wasn't drunk or abusive, Rafael found the very thought of sex sickening. But, he almost always complied with what Doug wanted. It was just easier to let him do want he wanted.

Rafael wondered what his colleagues would think if they found out about the abuse he was tolerating. They'd certainly be shocked to find out that he had virtually no control over his personal life, especially given his reputation as an ambitious, hard-nosed, no-nonsense prosecutor.

"Baby?" Doug's voice intruded his thoughts.

 _Oh god, just leave me alone._

"Baby? Are you alright?"

 _Please._

"I'm worried about you…"

Rafael felt the mattress dip as Doug sat down next to him. All he could do was close his eyes and pretend to sleep. Maybe, he hoped, Doug would just go away. He knew, of course, that that would not happen.

"Hey," Doug said, shaking his shoulder. "Wake up." Doug crawled onto the bed beside him and put his arm around him. "Rafi, god baby, I love you."

Rafael was unable to contain his shriek when Doug climbed on top of him. "Rafi, I'm so worried about you, I'd die without you."

"Doug, please! Get off, you have to get off."

"Rafi," he said stroking his face. "I just want to be close to you."

"Doug, you have to get off. My ribs. They hurt, really bad." Rafael could smell the alcohol on Doug's breath. He reached up to caress his cheek and tried to negotiate with him. "I want to be close to you too, lie beside me instead," Rafael suggested. He rubbed the space on the mattress beside him and smiled. "Please? Remember, when we started dating, you were so gentle? I loved that."

"Me too, baby."

Rafael let out a scream as Doug sat up; the weight on top of him felt like his rib cage was being crushed. Pent up tears could no longer be held back. "Doug," he sobbed. "Please. It hurts. It really hurts."

"Where does it hurt, baby? Let me see," Doug slurred as he slid off of Rafael and curled beside him.

Confused and in disbelief, Rafael pulled his shirt up slowly as tears rolled down his cheeks. He closed his eyes as Doug traced the bruises with his fingers.

"I'm sorry, Rafi…I promise you I'll never hurt you again. Just don't leave me. You're not thinking of leaving me, are you?"

"No."

"Come here, let me hold you," Doug said. He turned onto his side and put his arm around him and stroked his hair. "I won't hurt you anymore. I promise. You believe me, right?"

"Yeah," Rafael said, his voice a shaky whisper.

Despite Doug's soft words and gentle touches, Rafael was tense, waiting for Doug's mood to turn, as he slurred apologies and professed his love in his ear. He prayed that it wouldn't be long before Doug would pass out; until that happened, Rafael knew that he would spend the rest of the evening reassuring him that he still loved him, that he wasn't cheating on him, and that he would never leave him.

* * *

Olivia smiled and raised an eyebrow, more out of curiosity than amusement. She had never, in the few years she had known Rafael Barba, seen him so ill at ease. He fidgeted in his seat and his eyes darted from her, to Doug, and down to the menu on the table.

"Good choice," Doug said, when Rafael decided to order a salad for lunch. He put his arm around Rafael's shoulders, smiled and leaned across the table to Olivia. "He's watching his weight," he said, cupping his hand to his mouth. "Aren't you, Rafi?"

"Yeah…The salads here are good. You should try the chicken caesar."

Doug laughed and patted his shoulder again. "I'm not the one who needs to lose weight," Doug said, reaching out and patting Rafael's stomach. "I told him that just because we're together doesn't mean he can let himself go," he said with a laugh to Olivia. "Extra weight on such a small person isn't good. Rafael knows that, even his doctor said agreed," Doug said, grinning and playfully swatting Rafael's arm. "I think I'll have the pasta," he said, putting the menu on the table and turning to look for the server.

Rafael lowered his head and stared at the table. His long, slender fingers unconsciously scratched at the corner of the menu, curling its laminated edge. When he looked up and saw Olivia looking directly at him, he placed his hands in his lap. He smiled and quickly looked away when she frowned back at him.

"The salad sounds wonderful," Olivia said, as she flipped the menu closed. "Rafael tells me you work on Wall Street. Your days must be hectic."

"They are. Long days, long hours. But still, a rewarding career. I do investments for pension funds. I thrive on the craziness and drama. Of course, it's not as dramatic as life with Rafael. But then again, what is? So, tell me Olivia. Is he a drama queen at work? I imagine that he must be."

"No, I wouldn't say drama queen," Olivia said. "I'd say that he does his job very well and that he's well-regarded and effective."

"Hmm…that's nice to hear," Doug said.

Olivia looked over and saw that Rafael was staring off into the distance, seemingly unaware of the conversation. She watched as he blinked his eyes a few times before he turned his attention to back to the table as the waiter delivered their lunches.

"Doug's job is crazy," Rafael said suddenly. "I don't know how he does it. Hundreds of thousands of people rely on him, and they don't even realize it. He's a hero, really. And he doesn't really get any credit. All people see is an investment banker, but if it weren't for him, some of those people would have lost everything back when the economy went downhill. Imagine, working all your life, and losing the pension you worked for for years."

"I always try to think of all those hard working people out there, relying on my decisions," Doug added.

"Well, there's no denying that," Olivia said. "But, Rafael, your job is important too. Think of all of the people who count on you to help make the city a little safer. You've put a lot of bad guys away."

"Yeah, thanks to good juries and to the legwork your department does too."

"Olivia's right, Rafael. Your job is important too, and you're a smart guy. Not everyone can say that they won a scholarship to Harvard. Well, partial scholarship. Still, that's pretty good for a kid from the South Bronx."

"I'd say that's pretty good for a kid from anywhere," Olivia said. "A major accomplishment." she added, looking at Doug in his eyes.

"Oh, a great accomplishment for sure," Doug agreed. "Thank God for that. Who knows where you would have ended up, hey Rafael? Think of all the kids you grew up with that got lost along the way to gangs and drugs."

"Yeah, who knows…" Rafael said slowly. He pushed his plate away from him, aware that both Doug and Olivia were looking at him. "I'm not too hungry, I guess." He sat back and tried to engage in conversation while Olivia and Doug finished their lunches.

"Are you going to be working late tonight, Rafael?" Doug asked.

"I don't think so."

"Well, let me know if you're not going to be home on time," Doug said.

 _On time?_ Olivia looked over at Rafael whose gazed was fixed upon his unfinished salad.

"I really don't want to have to eat alone and then reheat your dinner again," Doug continued. "Call me later and check in, OK?"

"I will. I really don't think I'll be late."

"Alright. I'll see you later then," Doug said, turning to walk away. "Rafi," he called. "Dinner at 6."

"Right, dinner at 6," Rafael said, smiling after him.

"Well," Olivia said. "We had better go. We've got 15 minutes until Fin will be at your office to review the evidence."

As they walked back to the courthouse, Olivia watched Rafael with curiosity. He barely said a word and looked at the ground, at the sky and at his watch.

When they arrived at Rafael's office, he pulled out his phone and stared at its screen. Olivia thought that maybe she was reading too much into Rafael and his odd behaviour. She thought of meeting Doug for the first time last week and how Rafael behaved. It didn't seem odd to her at the time, after all he had been sick for a couple of days, but now, in hindsight, perhaps he had been a bit nervous.

"Hey," Olivia said, her voice breaking the silence. "Is everything OK?"

Rafael looked up from his phone. "Yeah. Fine."

"Good, that's good," Olivia said, studying his face. She suddenly noticed how tired he looked. "Doug makes supper for you? That's very nice."

"Yeah, he's a great cook," he muttered. He cleared his throat and sat straight up in his chair and opened up a file folder on his desk and stared at it.

"Nice. Sometimes I wish I could come home to a home-cooked meal. I imagine he must have made you chicken-noodle soup when you were sick last week."

Without looking up from his desk he flipped through the pages in the file, keenly aware of her eyes upon him. "I told you he even stayed home with me one day when I was sick."

"Really? You were that sick?"

"Umm…yeah, I was."

"So, you were so sick that Doug stayed home with you, but you were well enough to go to the gym and work out so hard, that you could barely walk the next day?"

Rafael licked his lips and raised his head to meet her gaze. "Is this a cross-examination?"

"No, just a question."

Tugging on his sleeves, he picked up his pen and tapped it on his desk. He looked back down at the folder in front of him and began to read over the files again, breathing a sigh of relief when Fin finally knocked at the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Rafael sank into the oversized tub and held his arms out in front of him and rotated them, examining his fading bruises. He was still in a fair amount of pain; and although Doug hadn't hit him again he was an emotional wreck.

Doug had been in a good mood for the last week and had spent the last few days spoiling Rafael; buying him gifts, making him his favorite meals, and taking him out to his favorite restaurants. It was a start at least, and Rafael hoped that it was a sign that he was changing. Desperately, he interpreted any kind gesture from him as a positive sign.

Although hopeful, Rafael remained vigilant around Doug. He couldn't quite bring himself to let his guard down completely, and he remained in an almost constant state of high-alert. Sighing, he closed his eyes and sank deeper into the tub. He felt a lot like an abused puppy - wagging its tail and happy to see its owner walk through the door, yet cowering at the same time. His body tensed. As a child his hyper-vigilance taught him to become attuned to the presence of his father and he used the same skill with Doug. Although his eyes were closed, he could tell that Doug was watching him.

"Hey," Doug said from the doorway. "Room for two in there?"

"When did you get in?"

"Just now." Doug walked towards the bathtub and undressed. "Your car's all clean, looks brand new," he said.

"Thanks."

"Oh, Rafi, I don't know what I'm going to do," Doug said, sinking into the tub next to Rafael.

The words stuck dread into Rafael. The only time Doug spoke like that was when he had an agenda, but Rafael tried to stay calm. "About what?" he asked.

"Us, Rafi." Doug put his arm around him and sighed. "You what to know something?" he asked as he caressed Rafael's cheek.

"What?" Rafael turned and looked up at Doug, and knew instantly that he needed to get away. He was trapped between the wall and Doug, so he casually bent his legs and leaned forward to stand up.

Doug tightened his grip on Rafael's shoulder, clamped his free hand over his mouth, and pushed his head under the water. He sat on top of him and held him down by his shoulders and watched as Rafael desperately tried to free himself.

Rafael's hands wrapped around Doug's wrists and tried to pry them off of his shoulders. Water splashed over the edge of the bathtub onto the floor as Rafael legs kicked and scrambled. He kneed Doug in his back, but that only made his grip tighter. Just as his lungs felt as though they were about to burst Doug pulled him out of the water. He gasped and coughed before being plunged underwater again. His arms flailed, grabbing, slapping, and pinching at Doug's arms. The sound of the tubs jets echoed loudly under the water and he was growing desperate for air. He knew that he couldn't hang on for much longer and while he was losing strength, Doug showed no signs of weakening. He shook his head from side to side, resisting the impulse to try and breathe.

Doug slid off of him and pulled him upright. Rafael sucked oxygen hungrily until a coughing fit took hold of him. He sputtered and coughed up some water, gasping desperately in-between each coughing spasm. Shaking, he put his hand to his neck and tried to calm his breath.

Doug grabbed Rafael by his chin and leaned in close. "That's how easy it would be for me to kill you," he whispered in Rafael's ear. He climbed out of the bathtub and began to towel off and get dressed, leaving Rafael sitting in the tub wet, shivering, and in shock. "You know Rafi, I'm really trying not to worry about things between us and about you. I've been trying hard to be understanding and to do nice things for you, like washing your car, for example." He bent down and grasped Rafael's arm and yanked him up.

"I know," Rafael whispered.

"Well, today when I took your car to be washed, I found a glove under the passenger seat. It's not mine, and it's not yours. I tried not to overreact. I fought with myself the entire way home, not to come in here screaming at you, but I just can't stop wondering about it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize I can't trust you."

Rafael racked his brain. He had no idea what Doug was talking about. Vaguely, he remembered giving Fin a ride weeks ago, but aside from that, no one else had been in his car. "It's probably just Fin's. I gave him a ride to the courthouse a couple of weeks ago."

"Fin? That's the guy you had lunch with awhile back isn't it?" Doug asked, tugging on Rafael's arm.

"Doug, I told you…it was just lunch."

"And now you gave him a ride?"

"Yeah, we were both going back there. That's all it was. I promise."

When Doug let go of his arm, Rafael stepped carefully out of the tub and caught the towel Doug whipped at him. He kept an eye on him while he dried off and cautiously stepped into his briefs.

"You expect me to believe that story? Do you think I'm stupid?"

Rafael stood up straight and planned his escape from the master bathroom. Half naked, he wouldn't get far, so very slowly he reached for his sweatpants and tried to remain as calm as possible, to act as if he hadn't just been forcibly held underwater. A voice in Rafael's head told him to run. He dropped his pants to the floor and bolted towards to the bedroom, but he wasn't quite fast enough.

Doug lunged forward and caught Rafael around his waist. He lifted him off of the floor, spun him around, and dropped him to the floor. He drew his foot back and kicked it over and over while cursing and accusing Rafael of ruining his life.

Rafael turned to his stomach and tried to crawl away, his hands slapped against the damp tile as he pulled himself along the floor, while Doug kicked at his thighs and side. As soon as he stood, Doug tackled him to the floor, the force of the fall knocking the wind out of him.

Doug sat on Rafael's stomach and demanded to know how many times he had cheated. "I'm asking you to tell the truth for once in your life," Doug screamed.

"I've never cheated."

Bang. Rafael's head slammed against the floor.

"One last time."

"Please," Rafael begged.

"Tell me!" Doug demanded.

Moaning softly, Rafael's lips parted to beg for his life, but he was unable to formulate a word. It didn't matter whether or not he survived this attack. It would only be a matter of time before the inevitable happened. The last thing he saw was Doug's angry face looming over his. A low, quiet moan escaped him before everything went dark. His limbs trembled and twitched as his blood trickled into the grout.

* * *

Rafael's eyes flickered. His head pounded and everything was blurry. He didn't remember going to bed, but then, again he didn't remember much of anything. He tried to sit up, but when he moved, the room spun around him and he collapsed back to the bed, his entire body racked with pain. Moaning, he tried fruitlessly to find a position that didn't hurt.

A voice came from the doorway. "It's about time you woke up."

Rafael tried to lift his head and focus on who was talking to him, but now, the tiniest movement sent waves of nausea through him.

"Get up, Rafael. It's nearly noon." Doug sat down beside him on the bed. "I called work for you again this morning. You better get up and call the DA. He wants to talk to you. I think you might be in some trouble."

Rafael's eyes closed, he wasn't sure if he was awake or if he was dreaming. Nausea overcame him again, and before he could sit up, he vomited all over himself and the bed.

"Oh God, Rafael. For fucks sake," Doug said. He marched towards the bed and ripped the blankets off and tossed them to the floor. He grabbed Rafael by the arm and sat him up. "Are you done, or do you have more?"

Rafael swayed back and forth, his eyes half shut and glazed over. "More," Rafael slurred as he doubled over and nearly fell to the floor.

"Well hold it in, for fuck's sake," Doug yelled as he grabbed Rafael by the arm and dragged him to the master bathroom and positioned him in front of the toilet. "I'll go clean your fucking mess," Doug said, as he ripped off Rafael's shirt and flung it on top of the soiled blankets.

Rafael clung to the toilet bowl feeling that he would collapse if he couldn't support himself against it. Another wave of nausea grew inside of him as he hung his head over the bowl.

"What a fucking mess," Doug mumbled as he gathered the laundry off the floor. "Fucking puke everywhere!" He piled the laundry into the washer and turned it on. "Well, are you finished?" he asked, turning to Rafael who was still crouched in front of the toilet.

Rafael nodded and winced as Doug approached him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the bathtub on the other side of the bathroom, and suddenly he remembered Doug holding his head underwater. Panicking and finally finding some energy, he scooted backwards on the floor away from him. He cried out when Doug bent down and pulled him to his feet. "You tried to drown me," Rafael said shakily as Doug dragged him out of the bathroom and back towards the bed.

"You idiot. Fuck, you're stupid. I didn't try to do anything to you. I just showed you that if you fuck with me, you'll be sorry. If I would have wanted to drown you, I would have," Doug said, tossing Rafael to the freshly made bed. "Don't you dare make another mess. If you do, you can fucking well clean it yourself or sleep in it."

Tears slipped down Rafael's face – slowly at first, until they poured from his eyes. His cry started off low and quiet but grew louder and louder as he lost the ability to contain his sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Doug said, shaking his arm, which made Rafael's sobs even louder. "Stop your fucking crying. Do you want the neighbors to call the police? Oh wait, you might like that. Then your friend can stick his cock up your ass again." Doug put his hands to his ears as Rafael continued to sob. "I can't take this anymore. I thought I told you to shut up," he screamed and slapped Rafael across his face. "Now you listen to me very carefully. You have five minutes to pull yourself together," he said, kneeling down and cupping Rafael's chin in his hand, his face inches from his. "I am going to dial your boss. And you are going to tell him that you'll be away for the rest of the week. If you say anything else, you'll be dead before the DA hangs up the phone. Understand?" Doug sat beside Rafael, dialed the phone, put it on speaker, and handed it to him. He held one hand to his throat and one to his forehead. "I'll snap your neck," he whispered. "I swear to god, I'll snap your neck."

An evil smile crossed Doug's face when the DA chastised Rafael on the amount of work he had missed recently.

 _"Well, Rafael, this is starting to become a pattern. Take the rest of the week off, but I want you to come and see me first thing Monday morning_."

Rafael closed his eyes as the DA spoke, and wondered if Doug planned to get him fired. If he lost his job, he would be completely dependent on him. Doug would probably like that. It was bad enough that Rafael owed him money for paying off a large portion of his student loans that his scholarship didn't cover, as well as the cost of their shared condo. Doug had a much larger portion of the down-payment, and he never let Rafael forget that. "Yes, sir. I understand. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Thank-you," Rafael muttered. He handed his phone back to Doug's waiting hand and lay down. "I need something, for the pain," Rafael whispered. "Please."

Doug stormed out of the room and returned with a glass of water and a handful of pills. "T3s and here, Ambien." He placed them on the bedside table with the water. "I have to go to the store. I'll pick up something for supper," he said and left the room.

Rafael's heart skipped. If Doug went out, maybe, he would have the chance to grab some of his things and take off. He could get a hotel, call Olivia, and she'd tell him what to do. He had no choice, he had to do it.

Only a moment later, Doug returned with a toolbox. "In case you're wondering," he said, "I'm reversing the door handle. I don't trust you."

Stunned, Rafael's pulse pounded like a loud crack of thunder in his head. Despite his pain, he decided against taking the pills; he needed to try and remain as clear headed as possible.

"Take your pills and I'll wake you when suppers ready. Until then, you stay in here," Doug said. He picked up his toolbox, shut the door, and tested the door handle from the other side.

Rafael lay in bed stunned. His usual lightning-fast mind was having trouble processing what was going on. _Had Doug just locked me in?_ He waited a few moments before creeping to the door. He pressed his ear against it and waited until he heard the door to the apartment open and then close. Once he was sure that Doug had left, his hand reached down and tried to turn the doorknob. It was indeed locked from the other side. Doug had locked him in.

This was new. Doug had done all kinds of things in the past, but nothing as crazy as this. Maybe, he thought, he could force the door open, but he'd have to be quick. Depending on which store he went to, Doug may only be gone for a few moments.

Rafael turned on the TV and tuned into the buildings video surveillance channel. Knowing he couldn't escape the apartment in only his T-shirt and underwear, he kept one eye on the television and went to get dressed. He breathed a sigh of relief when he watched Doug leave the building's lobby but when he opened his dresser drawer he gasped in horror.

It was empty. He tried the other drawers and aside from his and Doug's underwear and socks, they too were empty. With trembling hands he flung open the closet door. He'd put on one of his suits if he had to but the closet was bare too. He walked back to the door and tried the handle again, his clothes had to be somewhere and he had to find out where Doug was keeping them.

Paranoia set in. It was only Wednesday, the DA had begrudgingly given him the rest of the week off, which meant it would be at least Monday, six whole days before he had to be anywhere. Anything could happen before that, and no one would notice. He knew from his time working with SVU, that that was bad. He also knew that Doug would spend the coming days obsessively watching over his every move.

Rafael searched the room for his phone, but of course it was nowhere to be found. Regretfully, he turned and went back to bed. Pain got the better of him so he took the some of the pills that Doug had brought. He lay in bed and knew that if he wanted to live, he'd have to figure a way out, and that he had no choice but to leave Doug – he would never change – the next beating he took from him would be the last. Although at times it didn't seem that he had all that much to live for, he didn't want to die.

He curled up and despite his pounding head, Rafael formulated a plan. He would have no choice but to try and be as nice as possible to Doug. He would have to gain his trust. Worried that Doug wouldn't let him go back to work on Monday, he had to convince him that everything was OK. Most of all, when he went back to work – _if_ he went back to work – he could not back out of talking to Olivia. Before he fell asleep he shut off the television and gave himself a pep talk, rehearsing in his mind what to say to her.

* * *

"He'll be away the whole week?" Olivia asked, when she arrived at Rafael's office. "He never mentioned that yesterday," she said, frowning.

"Apparently he's really under the weather," Carmen said.

"Again?"

"Yeah, I sure hope he's ok. I'll just get a hold of the DA to find out who his replacement for the week is. Just one moment, Olivia."

"Thanks."

* * *

Rafael's deep slumber was disturbed by Doug standing over him and shaking him awake. "Do you think that the last cock you have up your ass is going to be that cop friend of yours?" He ripped back the blankets and crawled on top of him. "I asked you a question."

"I didn't…"

"I'm the only one allowed to touch you."

"I know."

Doug yanked down Rafael's pants and underwear, running his hand over the bruises covering his back and sides.

Rafael tried his best to relax, remembering that he would do whatever he had to in order to gain Doug's trust. He wanted to scream and beg him to stop, but, he kept his goal in mind, knowing that it may be the only way for him to escape with his life. He rolled to his back and lifted his arms to embrace Doug. Rafael closed his eyes and tried to imagine that this was all be a terrible dream.

* * *

 _Trying to rid the world of injustice._ Exhausted from nearly a week of long and sleepless nights spent reassuring Doug that he wasn't going to leave him, that he believed that he wouldn't hit him _again_ , Rafael contemplated the bitter irony of those simple words. It had taken all of his energy to play along with whatever he demanded, but at least here he was, away from him for the first time in days.

He took a seat at Olivia's desk and read through the notes on the SVU's latest case. "Trying to rid the world of injustice," he whispered, wondering what made those words come suddenly to his mind.

"What was that?" Olivia asked, with a puzzled look on her face.

"Oh, umm… I said, 'Trying to rid the world of injustice'."

"That's an accurate job description, for both of us."

"It's a quote. From _Charlotte's Web_. It's what Fern's father says after she convinced him not to kill Wilbur. It's in the first chapter."

"Up to some heavy duty reading, are you?" She smiled and raised her eyebrows.

"No, I remember everything about that book. I think I had it memorized when I was a kid. 'We're born, we live a little while, we die.' That's another quote."

"Hmm…that's also accurate."

"Can we talk?" he asked. "In private?" he added, his voice shaking.

"Of course." She walked to her office door. "Fin," she called. "Can you cover for me out there for a bit?"

"Sure thing, Liv," Fin answered from the squad room.

Olivia shut the door and turned the deadbolt. She returned to her seat and waited for him to speak, to tell her what was on his mind, but he just sat and stared at the ceiling.

Rafael's heart thudded and he felt as though it was about to pound out of his chest. He knew that it was now or never. "Umm...Olivia?"

"Yeah, Rafael?"

"I...I wasn't really sick. Not last week, or before that. Something happened."

"Do you want to tell me?" she asked.

"This is as friends, right?"

"Of course."

Rafael stared down at the floor for a moment, his hands fidgeting in his lap. "Things aren't good with me and Doug." He slowly raised his head to look at her.

"What's going on?" she asked softly.

He shook his head in disbelief with what he was about to say. Doug would surely kill him now. Rafael took a moment and gathered his nerve, knowing that if he told her his life would change forever. He opened his mouth, but couldn't talk. Maybe, he shouldn't burden her with this, he thought. He's an adult. Not only an adult, but a full-grown man in his forties. He should be able to look after himself by this point in his life.

Rafael shifted in his seat and the pain caused by his slight movement reminded him of all that he had been through. He remembered how Doug had held him underwater, how he had beaten him into near unconsciousness, and how he'd locked him in the bedroom.

"Are you alright?" Olivia asked. Her voice was calm, steady, and reassuring.

"Not really." Still at a loss for words, he pulled off one of his cufflinks and fiddled with it and tapped it on Olivia's desk. He raised his eyes and saw her watching him.

Olivia stood up and went to her office window and shut the blinds. "What's wrong?"

Rafael took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "He beats the hell out of me, Liv. I thought he was going to kill me." He unbuttoned his sleeve and pushed it up as far as he could to expose the horrible bruises on his arm. "That's nothing," he said, "compared to what the rest of me looks like right now."

Although Olivia's outwardly calm demeanor didn't waver she was horrified. "Oh God, Rafael. Are you alright?"

"I don't know. I mean, I'm fine now, but it's bad," Rafael said, his voice trailing off into a whisper.

"I'm glad you told me. We'll get everything looked after, OK?"

"OK," he whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

_This is a bad idea._ "This is a bad idea," Rafael said. He looked nervously at his watch and ran his hand though his hair. It had to have been a moment of weakness that allowed him to be talked into this. "Let's just forget this, OK?" He slid off of the examination table and looked at Olivia, his mind made up.

"Rafael."

"No, really. They can't do anything for me here, I'm not badly hurt. So, what's the point of being here?"

"Let them take some pictures. Rafael, in case you need evidence."

"No." Determined, he shook his head. "I should just go. He's going to be home in a few hours, and wonder where I am. He's going to be mad."

"Rafael."

"Olivia, please. Can we just go? Forget I ever mentioned anything to you. Please?"

"Rafael. Listen to me. If you leave now and go back to him, you know what will happen. You said so yourself, remember?" She wanted to reach out and put her arms around him and provide the reassurance he so desperately needed, but, invading his personal space would only unsettle him further, so she held back. Her voice softened and she sat down beside the bed. "You said it would only be a matter of time before he kills you. You said it was inevitable. Remember?"

"I don't need an exam or anything…"

"OK, but let the nurse take the pictures. Rafael, just that, then we'll go. I promise. Alright?"

Rafael sat back on the edge of the table and tightened the blanket strewn around his shoulders. His feet dangling in the air made him feel like a helpless child. "I'm going to be in so much trouble." He clenched his jaw and his lips formed into a tight line. "What am I going to do now?"

"You're not in any trouble. We'll make sure that he doesn't come anywhere near you again."

"I am. I'm in lots of trouble. The DA is already set to fire me for missing so much work. I had to meet with him this morning, and he warned me. Doug is going to freak. And there's no way he'll stay away from me. He won't. How am I going to get all of my things out of his place? Everything I have is there. My clothes, everything…"

"You'll have to arrange for some time off work. Do you have any vacation time? Maybe a leave? Just until you get settled."

"No. I can't. I'd have to give notice for that."

"This is an emergency. You must be entitled to emergency leave."

"Maybe…" He pulled at a loose thread on the blanket and wound it around his finger. "I guess." His eyes darted nervously to Olivia's face, knowing that she was trying to conceal her shock at his situation. "This is crazy, isn't it? I guess you must be surprised that this is happening to me."

"Domestic violence can happen to anyone, Rafael. You're a victim, and none of this is your fault."

"I'm a grown man. I should be able to look after myself…"

"And you can. You just need some help from a friend right now. That's all." She smiled warmly at him, hoping that he would find it within himself to believe her words.

Rafael returned her smile and tried his best to listen to her calm and reassuring words. As much as he wanted to believe her, he was embarrassed. His face reddened with shame and he wished that he hadn't revealed anything to her. He should have kept his secret to himself. Now, she was going to feel sorry for him and look at him with pity. It was all too late now though; his secret was out. He could only hope that she wouldn't let anyone else in on them. It wasn't that he didn't trust her specifically, it was just that he had a hard time trusting anyone. "I guess…"

"You're going to have to get a restraining order. We'll make sure that he's out of the apartment while you collect your belongings. I know that's hard to think about, but, I'm saying this as your friend, not as a cop. You have no choice, Rafael."

"An order of protection? He won't care about that…And, everyone will find out. What will my boss think?"

"I know this is hard, Rafael. And, you may have to disclose to the DA."

"Oh my God."

"I'll help you, in any way I can." Olivia watched as he wound a stray thread from the blanket around his finger.

"I don't know how I got myself in this mess." He sighed and buried his face in his hands. "What should I do?"

"One thing at a time. I'll go see where the nurse is. After that, make a call to the DA. Ok? I'll be right back."

Rafael nodded and watched as Olivia left the room. He felt his adrenaline pump through his body and stared down at the watch on his wrist. Each tick of the second hand marked a moment closer to Doug finding out what Rafael had done. When Doug got home from work, the text messages and phone calls would start, demanding to know his whereabouts. Rafael pictured the scenario in his mind; Doug would grow more and more enraged with each passing moment.

Rafael checked the time again; 2:00 pm. Two hours. In about two hours, Doug would know that something was up. Unless he got dressed right now, went home, and pretended like nothing happened. The only problem with that, was that Rafael doubted his ability to act as though nothing had happened when he got home. Doug could read him like a book, he would know everything. Which means that Rafael, surely, would be in for another beating, possibly his last.

The second hand ticked away on his watch. Now, the minute hand moved. One minute closer to Rafael's life, and Doug's, changing for ever. Unless he decided to forget everything, go home, and force himself to be stoic. That's what he would have to do, he decided. He'd just have to act as natural as possible, maybe, even pretend to enjoy sex with Doug. He really hated sex, but if he forced himself to pretend, maybe, Doug's suspicions wouldn't be aroused. He have to work at appeasing him, but he couldn't be too obvious about that either. It would be a delicate balance, like walking a tightrope, between appeasing Doug and making him suspicious. Rafael walked this fine line many, many times in his life before; with his father, with Doug, and even with bullies from the neighbourhood. He'd just have to do it again and tonight would have to be a stellar performance.

He slid off the table determined to get dressed and go home. Olivia would just have to forget about this. Ultimately, it was his decision, and she would respect that. As soon as his feet hit the floor, he realized that this just how this very moment, this exact moment, and the decision he made, would affect his future, and, quite possibly, whether or not he lived or died. He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. If he returned to Doug, he would be killed – that was practically a fact. But, if he went through with what Olivia advised, he had a chance to live. He put his hands back on the table behind him and hopped back up.

"Rafael? The nurse will be right in. Are you ready?" Olivia asked from the doorway.

It was now or never. He had to do this, he had to force himself to do this. "Yeah…" was his shaky reply. Doug will be angry; angry enough to kill him probably. Rafael reminded himself that that was OK, Doug might, no, _will_ kill him if he goes back to him anyway. Olivia was right, he really had no choice.

The nurse followed Olivia into the room. She was tall and had a kind smile. "Mr. Barba?" she asked softly. "My name is Yvette. I'm here to take some photographs of your injuries. Is that alright?"

He closed his eyes. Here it is. If he said "yes," his life would change forever. Slowly, he nodded his head. "Yes."

"Rafael, do you want privacy? Or do you want me to stay?" Oliva asked quietly.

He didn't know what to say. Certainly, he didn't want her to see his bruised body, which is why the burse was taking the photographs. He didn't want Olivia to stare at him or to pity him. He looked over at her and she already looked concerned. "It doesn't matter…Whatever…" He shrugged his shoulders and tried to appear nonchalant.

"It does matter. What do you want?" Olivia asked again.

"This is as a friend right?"

"Of course."

"Then, you can stay."

"Alright. Mr. Barba, can you stand up over here? Do you need help taking off your gown?" Yvette asked.

"No." He shed the blanket from his shoulders and stood against the privacy divider. Slowly, he undid the ties at his waist and behind his neck, grateful that he had decided to keep his underwear on.

"Maybe Olivia can hold your gown? As soon as we're done here, you can put it back on. I won't take long."

Unable to bear the thought of looking at Olivia, he dropped his arms and pulled off the gown and handed it to her with his eyes closed.

"OK, that's good. Just put your arms out. That's it," Yvette said before she began to take pictures.

He stood with his eyes closed while Yvette moved around him, snapping pictures of his body from every angle. So humiliating. "The bruising is faded, but I can see that they were pretty severe," she said. "How long ago were you assaulted?"

"Umm…Tuesday. Last week."

He opened his eyes and saw Olivia standing, holding his gown, and trying not to stare at him. "Oh, Rafael…" she whispered.

Briefly, his eyes met hers. Embarrassed, he looked away quickly and put his arm out to reach for the gown.

"Ok, Mr. Barba. Just a few more. Do you want to stand behind the divider here and pull down your underwear?"

"Umm…no. I'm fine there."

"There was no sexual assault?" the nurse inquired.

"Ahh…well no. And, I don't want pictures there." He glanced up at Oliva and saw she had her eyes closed. She was feeling sorry for him and he knew it.

"Alright, can you hop up on the bed for me then?"

Rafael put the gown on and climbed back onto the bed. He put his hands behind his head, more embarrassed than he ever felt before. This was surely the most humiliating moment of his life.

"Now I just need you to bend your knees and open your legs a bit. I need to take pictures of your thighs now. Then, we'll be done. Then, the doctor can come in. He'll go over the x rays with you."

Rafael sighed and followed Yvette's directions. "I don't need a doctor."

"He's waiting to see you. He'll be in just as soon as we finish," she said, snapping a picture. "Which we are now. I think you should let him have a look at those bruises, even though they're fading."

"I don't think there's really a point…"

"He won't take long. I promise," Yvette said. She put down the camera and handed Rafael the blanket, and smiled at him as she left the room.

"Olivia, I don't need a doctor…"

"Rafael, it'll be fine. He won't take long. We'll be out of here soon. Just hang in there…Look, he's here already," Olivia said when the door opened.

"Mr. Barba, I'm Dr. Hedren. I understand you're here because of some injuries that occurred last week?"

"Yeah, I know. I don't really need a doctor. I'm fine now."

"I looked at your x rays, and you've had some cracked and fractured ribs. Luckily, nothing is floating, so you don't have to worry about internal injuries. But, you also have spots on the x-ray that indicate rib fractures in various states of healing. Do you mind if I take a look?"

Rafael shook his head and lifted his gown. He stared at the ceiling while the doctor poked and prodded at his chest and sides. "Well, most of the bruises seem to be healing just fine. But, as these occurred six days ago, I have to tell you that you should have sought medical attention at the time. I probably would have classified your bruises as moderate to severe," he said, handing the blanket back to Rafael. "All done." He sat down and made some notes. Rafael lay silently and listened to the sound the doctor's pen made as it flew across the paper. "What are you taking for pain?"

"Just some Advil"

"OK, good. That will help with swelling. We don't really treat for fractured ribs other than pain control. You'll have to take it easy for a few weeks. It may take several days for the pain to subside. If pain becomes an issue, or if you start to have problems breathing, go immediately to the ER. Do some deep breathing every day, several times a day to ensure you keep your lungs working…Best of luck to you," he said, standing and making his way to the door.

"Thank you." Relived, Rafael immediately stood and walked towards the chair that his suit was folded upon.

"I'll let you get changed," Olivia said. "I'll be just outside when you're ready."

* * *

"I'm sorry that you had to go through all that," Olivia said. She glanced over at Rafael in the passenger seat. "Do you want to try and call the DA now? I can take you there if he's able to meet with you."

"I guess." Rafael took out his phone and looked over at Olivia with hesitation. "He's not going to like this, not one bit. Look, it's already 2:30. Doug usually gets home by 4:30 or so. He's going to kill me."

"He's not going to touch you. I promise. Call the DA, then we'll work on the restraining order. We'll get you somewhere safe. But, you have to call work. You can't deal with that stress on top of everything else. It'll be alright, Rafael," she said. Her hands gripped the steering wheel and she turned her attention back to the road as he made the call.

"Uh, he wants me to go down there and fill out forms for a leave," Rafael said after he hung up the phone. "He didn't sound happy. So now, I have to meet with him for the second time today. This will not go over well." He licked his lips and sighed as he leaned his head against the window.

"I know he won't like it. But, that's too bad. He'll have to get over it. Are you going to tell him what's going on?"

"I don't know. He's probably going to find out, if I file a restraining order."

"Yeah. Maybe, you should be honest and tell him."

Rafael shrugged and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

"Yes you do. You'll tell him what you need to, OK?"

"Yeah." Stress was getting to Rafael and his head began to ache. He leaned against the window and shut his eyes. "My head hurts."

"Do you want me to come up with you when we get there? I'll wait in the hall, if you'd like, for moral support."

"I guess. Maybe – " Rafael was cut off by the ringing of his phone. Startled, he checked the caller ID. "Oh God. It's him."

"Doug?"

"Yeah." Bewildered, Rafael held the phone in front of him and stared at it.

"Don't answer."

"I think he left a voice mail…What am I going to do? How am I going to get my stuff from there?"

"When we get the restraining order, I'll go with you. He has to let you in to get your belongings. We'll get them tomorrow. First thing."

"He'll get rid of them. He'll be so mad. He already doesn't let me have my clothes…He hid them and locked them all up on me already," he said, his words tumbling rapidly out of his mouth. "He'll - "

"He what? He locked up your clothes?"

"Yeah, so I wouldn't leave."

"What?"

"Well, he only gave me my suit this morning to go to work...Until this morning, I only had underwear and a T-shirt, so I couldn't go anywhere. He put everything in the spare room. I know where the key is though."

"When did he do that?"

"Last week, after he beat me up and held me under water. He reversed the handle on the bedroom door so I couldn't leave when he went out."

"Rafael, what do you mean? He held you under water? He tried to drown you?"

"No, he said just to show me that he could kill me if he wanted to."

"OK, Rafael. Listen to me," Olivia said, as she parked the car in front of the courthouse. "This guy is nuts. I'll come up with you, but I'm going to make a call and get him picked up. You have to get your things, and he can't be there. We'll get him picked up and while he's at the precinct, you and I will go and get your stuff. He'll be put on a 24 hour hold. We'll have to charge him. You understand that right?"

"No, Olivia. I don't want everyone knowing…Please."

Olivia unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to him. "Rafael. I knew he was dangerous, but this? What you just told me? It's crazy. He sounds like a psychopath. Rafael, he held your head under water and locked you in a bedroom. Please, Rafael." She reached out to hold his hand, immediately sorry that she did, when he withdrew from her. "Rafael. He's going to kill you if you don't. You know that."

"Don't make me do this. Please. Everyone will find out."

"No. It won't be anyone from SVU going to pick him up. Is he still at work?"

"He called from his work number…so, yeah. He usually leaves there around 4."

"Let's go then. Rafael, you understand why you have to charge him."

"Yeah, I know. But, it's not easy," he said as they walked to the DA's office.

"This is as a friend. Rafael, he held you against your will, locked up your clothes, held your head under water, assaulted you and left injuries…What would you do if someone disclosed that to you?"

"I know. But still."

He flinched when his phone went off. "A text message now," he said, his voice rising to a near squeak. "It says to call him. He's going to pick me up after work."

"Ignore it."

His eyes grew wide when his phone began to ring again. "Olivia?" His voice tinged with panic. "It's him again. He won't stop, will he?"

"I'm going to make sure he stops. Come on." Olivia put her arm out and ushered Rafael ahead of her into the building.

He nodded, knowing that he really had no choice, well he did have a choice actually; he could either face this humiliation or end up dead.

"Rafael, do you trust me?" she asked when they reached the DA's office.

"Yeah."

"You go see the DA, and let me make some calls. I'll do my best to keep this quiet."

Rafael smiled as best he could and nodded, taking a deep breath before knocking on the DA's door. He turned back to Olivia as he opened the door, his eyes studying her face nervously and seeking reassurance.

"It's OK, Rafael. You can do this." She smiled back at him and pulled out her phone as he closed the door behind him.

* * *

When he emerged from the DA's office about 20 minutes later, Olivia practically jumped from the bench. "How did it go?"

"Humiliating."

"I know it was embarrassing for you. Did you get your leave?"

"Yeah. For a week. Then I have to check back…" His voice trailed off softly. "Umm…what happened?"

"Well, some uniforms are headed over to arrest him. In the meantime, you file for an order of protection. You know the drill...You'll have to give a statement. I'm sorry, I know I don't have to explain this all to you…Once he's in custody and you have the restraint, we'll go and get your things. They're going to call me as soon as they have him."

"What a mess. I can't believe this," Rafael said and shook his head.

"I know this is overwhelming. I'm so sorry. Let's go get those papers filed."

* * *

"My clothes are in there," Rafael said, pointing to the door of the spare bedroom. "That's the room he keeps locked."

"That's where he locked you in too?"

"No. The master bedroom. See?" He walked to the other door and touched the reversed door-knob to show her. "He only did all of this last week. He never locked me up like that before...Oh, I didn't even notice that yet," he said, pointing up to a hook and eye latch near the top of the door frame.

As they walked around the apartment, Olivia looked around wordlessly in utter shock. Complete disbelief overcame her while she watched Rafael drag a chair across the kitchen floor and stand on it to reach the top of the cupboards.

"I saw him put the key to the spare room here once. He didn't know I was watching," Rafael said, matter-of-factly, as he braced himself against the cupboard. "He can reach it, but it's too high for me. I couldn't exactly get up on a chair without him noticing. I hope it's still here," he said, his hand fishing around the top of the cupboard. "I was pretty out of it and he came to tell me he was going out. That's when he locked me in the first time. Ah, it's here," Rafael said, holding the key up and climbing down from the chair. "I went to get dressed and all my clothes were gone, so was my phone. Everything was locked up. So, everyday he'd give me a fresh T shirt and underwear and nothing else. You know, so I couldn't go anywhere." He pushed the chair back to the table and sighed. "He's going to be mad when he finds out I knew where the key was…"

"Wow, Rafael. I don't know what to say. Come on, let's get your things." Olivia shook her head, disturbed by his seeming acceptance of the situation. "You realize that all of this is not OK. This is bizarre and dangerous behaviour. You don't deserve this, any of it."

"Yeah, well…I know, but I always put him in a bad mood. Especially lately."

Olivia followed Rafael into the bedroom and watched as he frantically loaded clothes and other belongings into suitcases. "How long were you and Doug together?"

"Almost 5 years."

"When did he start hurting you?"

"I don't know…It wasn't too bad at first. He'd just yell at me at first. Push and shove me too…I guess he'd really start beating me up after a couple of years, but he didn't do it too often. But, the last few months, it's been bad."

"Was there ever any sexual assault?" she asked, eyeing him carefully.

"I'm never going to get everything packed in one day," Rafael said, sighing and running his hands through his hair.

"Rafael…did he ever sexually assault you?"

"No." He sucked in a deep breath and surveyed his belongings crammed haphazardly into suitcases. "He never raped me, because I'd eventually consent. Even if I asked him not too, I'd just give in. It would be better for me if I let him, you know? I hated it, but I always said 'yes' in the end…." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I'll never get all of my things out of here…I need a truck. All of my clothes, my books, everything…And how am I going to fit it all in a hotel room?"

"We'll take all we can now. You'll be allowed back to get the rest. He'll be in trouble if he does anything to your belongings. Maybe once you get the rest of your things, you can rent a storage locker until you get a new place."

"Yeah. Why didn't I think of that? Good thing I have that credit card he doesn't know about, I'm sure he cancelled my other one. He's done that before."

Olivia wandered into the bathroom behind Rafael to collect his toiletries. She watched as his gaze averted quickly away from the bathtub. "Is that where he hurt you?"

"Yeah…He just grabbed me and held me under a couple of times. It was so fast…I didn't have time to react. Then, he pulled me up and then that's when he beat me up. Right there," he said, pointing to the tiled floor. "Olivia," Rafael said, his voice low, "he thought I was sleeping with Fin, believe it or not. He found Fin's glove in my car, and well, that's what set him off."

The sad, defeated expression on his face nearly broke Olivia's heart. She hated seeing him like this and was horrified that during the entire time she had known him, he was being abused. She sighed and wondered how managed to put on such a brave face every day. "Is that blood staining the grout?" she asked.

"Maybe," Rafael said and held the back of his head. "There was blood in my hair the next day…"

"I'm going to get it tested."

"I'm all done," Rafael said. He closed his suitcases and tugged on the handles. "Can we get out of here?"

"Yeah, let's get you to your hotel."

* * *

As soon as he finished changing into a sweat shirt and pants, Olivia dished out the Chinese food she had ordered as soon as they had arrived at the hotel. "Here." Olivia put a plate in front of him and smiled warmly. "You haven't eaten all day." She pushed the plate close to him and put down some cutlery.

"I don't think I can eat." He nervously tugged down the sleeves on his sweatshirt and looked up at Olivia, standing over him like a worried parent. "I'm sorry, I'm not hungry."

"Rafael, you haven't eaten all day. Come on, just have a few bites."

"Don't." He stared at the plate in front of him and pushed it away.

"Don't what, Rafael?"

"Don't care about me."

"Rafael. Why?"

"Just don't," he said and looked away. "It'll just be easier if you don't."

Olivia's phone rang and interrupted their conversation. "I'm sorry, but I do. Just give me a moment, Rafael," she said. "Benson," she said when she answered the call.

Unnerved by the reality of his situation sinking in, Rafael pushed the plate further away; the smell and the thought of eating suddenly nauseated him. His headache returned with a vengeance along with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. He looked over at Olivia, standing by the bathroom door, still on the phone. She held up a finger to him and whispered, "one minute" with a smile. Consumed with anxiety and an upset stomach, he made his way to the bed and lay down.

"They're still questioning Doug," Olivia informed him. She put her phone on the table and stood next to the bed.

"He must be mad."

"Rafael, I have to tell you. They say he's denying everything. But that's OK. We have the photographs, the days you missed work. They're going to test the blood that was in the bathroom."

"He's got to be just freaking out." He curled up into a tight ball and covered his face with his arm. "God, Olivia. He's never going to get over this."

"He's not going to hurt you again."

"I don't know. What if he finds me?"

"He won't. I'm going to try and get some protection for you. Just for a couple of days at least."

"I'm just so tired. I've barely slept."

"Alright. I'll put this in the fridge in case you're hungry later. I'll come and see you first thing in the morning. You call me if there's anything you need."

Rafael uncovered his face and nodded. "I'll be OK…Olivia…Thanks."


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as Olivia left the hotel room, Rafael climbed out of bed and checked to make sure the door was locked. He flipped the deadbolt back and forth and secured the latch. Doug was still in custody, but knowing him, he'd quickly charm his way out of the situation and come looking for him. He'll be furious, Rafael thought as he shuddered at the prospect of facing a most certainly enraged Doug.

Fear grew inside of him and he worried that the flimsy looking latch wouldn't be enough to keep Doug from breaking into the room. With desperation, he pulled a chair over to the door and braced it under the handle, hoping that it would provide at least some element of security if Doug found him.

His stomach began to act up, alternating between rumbling with hunger and churning with nausea. Olivia was right, he had to eat something, so he pulled out some rice from the tiny fridge and heated it in the microwave. He sat at the table and pushed the rice around in the bowl, contemplating his horrible situation. As hard as he tried, he only managed to eat a few bites before his hunger subsided and nausea took over. Unable to eat any more, he dumped the rest of the rice in the garbage and pushed in his chair.

He searched though his bags for something to soothe his stomach, but found nothing. Briefly, he considered heading out in search of a pharmacy, but the thought of leaving the safety of his hotel room terrified him. The irrational part of his mind was winning and he became convinced that Doug would be waiting for him in the hotel lobby. He cursed himself for packing so carelessly; always prone to stomach problems of one sort or another, he should have remembered to have packed something to help alleviate his nausea.

Tears welled in his eyes as he surveyed his belongings, packed up in suitcases and bags, and sitting a hotel room floor. Anxiety filled him and he began to doubt the wisdom of leaving Doug. Maybe, he should have tried harder. Maybe, _probably_ , Doug was right; he wouldn't be able to live without him. He needed Doug and he should have put more effort into understanding his perspective.

But what about the abuse? Rafael couldn't take more of that. He could have tried harder to make Doug happy. Maybe, it was all his fault. After all, he had been a victim of his father and now Doug. It was him that was the common denominator; there must be something about him that caused people to want to hurt him – his father simply hated him; and although Doug loved him, he was almost angry for one reason or another. Rafael sighed, he knew that somehow, he was the root of the problem, but he had no idea on how to fix himself. How could he make it so that others weren't so angry with him? How could he make Doug stop scaring and hurting him?

He stood up and kicked at his suitcase. Overcome with frustration, Rafael sank to his knees and wiped tears from his eyes. He was so confused; he loved and feared Doug. A part of him wanted to make amends with Doug, and a part of him never wanted to see him again.

Hoping that a shower would help to calm his nerves, Rafael headed to the bathroom. He stood under the stream of water and scrubbed himself, careful not to put too much pressure on his still tender ribs. He examined his bruises, each one a reminder of what Doug was capable of. Noises from the hallway echoed loudly in the acoustics of the bathroom and made Rafael jump. Standing nude in the shower he realized how vulnerable he was. He hurried to rinse his hair and stepped out of the shower, flinching at the sound of a slamming door. As quickly as possible, he dried off and changed into a fresh T-shirt and pair of pajama pants.

He headed back to bed and hoped that he could sleep for at least a few hours. Before he lay down, he placed the hotel room phone on the mattress next to him and gripped his cell phone in his hand. He curled up on his side and stared at the door, watching and waiting for any sign of it opening. Paranoid wasn't the accurate term to describe how he felt; paranoia usually indicated that someone's fears were irrational, but Rafael's fears were far from irrational.

Laying there alone and terrified, his breath became ragged. His imagination ran wild with thoughts of how angry Doug must be, wondering what he was doing and thinking at this moment. The sound of footsteps outside of his room frightened him, his breath hitched and he sat up gasping. Although he knew that the footsteps weren't Doug's he was terrified; terrified of the trouble he had invited into his life by defying Doug and leaving him. He lay back down and wiped at his eyes and tried to catch his breath. Trembling and with tears welling in his eyes, he counted the hours until Olivia would come back. He closed his eyes and prayed for the night to pass by quickly.

* * *

Olivia's eyes widened and she raised an eyebrow, but said nothing when Rafael opened the door to her and moved a chair from the doorway to the table. _Was he that scared?_ She put a coffee in front of him and sat down next to him. "Rough night?" she asked, noting the strained look on his face.

"I barely slept."

"Is the room OK?"

"Yeah. It's fine." He took a sip of his coffee and smiled, grateful for her very presence.

"Are you alright? Doug didn't try to contact you did he?"

The idea of Doug, angry and seeking revenge terrified him. He shifted uncomfortably and lowered his chin to his chest, and raised his eyes to look at Olivia. "I take it he's out?"

"I'm sorry, they had to release him. He was served with a temporary restraining order. He knows that you're staying here, they had to inform him, so that he knows where to stay away from. Of course, you'll have court in ten days."

"It's so weird, being on this end of the law…I can't believe it."

"I know."

"No. Not right now…Do you know what he said? Is he mad?"

"Well, like I told you he denied everything. He had a lawyer. I hate to tell you this, Rafael, but, he said that you were cheating on him, and that you were assaulted by the man you're having an affair with."

"Wow." Rafael covered his face with his hands and rubbed small circles on his forehead. He dropped his hands to the table and raised his eyes to meet Olivia's worried face. "Wow. He said that?"

"I'm sorry. You know that people like him will try to tarnish the victim."

"Yeah. But, it's not true. It was him. I never cheated on him. He always thought I was, but, I never did. I swear, Olivia."

"I know."

"What am I going to do?"

"You're going to let me help you. I promise, I'll be there every step of the way."

"Thanks…that means a lot. It really does. I'm just feeling so…useless right now. Like I can't figure out the simplest thing." He smiled, comforted by her words.

"That's because you have too much happening right now. You're under a lot of stress. When's the last time you had a full night's sleep?"

"It's been a while," Rafael admitted. "A long while."

"Well, that doesn't help either. Did you eat anything?"

"Yeah. I had some rice. My stomach couldn't handle more than that."

"Your stomach is sore?"

"It's alright now… It's just that I don't know if I can get through all of this. I'm just so…overwhelmed. I know I have to leave him, but, I don't know if I can. I don't think I can handle all of this."

"Yes. Yes you can handle it. I know it's tough, but you will get through it."

"I just don't think I'm strong enough. I mean, going to court, testifying against him, living out of suitcases…I've got to find a place, I can't afford a hotel forever…It's a lot to deal with."

"I know it is. But, Rafael, I know you. You are strong enough to do it." She leaned forward in her chair and lowered her voice. Slowly, she offered her hand to him, hoping that he would allow her to comfort him. She smiled, surprised when he cautiously placed his hand on hers. She took his hands and clasped hers around them and squeezed them gently. "You've been dealing with a lot, haven't you?"

Rafael blinked a few times and stared down at his hands, wrapped in hers. Olivia's touch was unusual, as soft and kind as her eyes and smile. He hadn't felt a genuine and tender touch like that since Doug began to hit him. His eyes darted back to his hands, held gently in hers and sighed. Silently, he contemplated her question and wished that he could push the answer out of his mind forever. Although her question was simple, somehow, it was loaded. There was a simple answer to her question, but he had never allowed himself to stop and think about what he had dealt with in life. "Yeah," he said. He pulled his hands away and rubbed his eyes, desperate to conceal the tears welling in them. "I guess so, yes." He nodded his head and sucked in his lips, and bit them until they turned white. His stomach began to act up again. Groaning, he pulled his knees tighter to his chest and grimaced.

"Are you alright?"

"My stomach."

"Again? Are you prone to stomach problems?"

"Yeah. On and off for my whole life."

"What do you take for it?"

"Just whatever over the counter stuff and a heating pad. Which I forgot to pack of course."

"Alright. Why don't you lie down and I'll go to the store and pick up a few things for you?"

"No, no. I'll go later. I have to look after myself."

"Rafael," Olivia said, putting on her jacket. "I insist."

* * *

"Thanks…" Rafael said, watching as Olivia turned on the kettle to boil some water.

"Here," she said, turning to the table and unloading the shopping bag. "A hot water bottle, some stomach remedies, and some peppermint tea, that should help your stomach too. I also brought you some soup and some crackers and some applesauce. You really should try and eat something."

"I will. Promise." He pulled up a chair and sat down and examines the items as Olivia pulled them out of the bag and placed them on the table.

Olivia smiled down at him, wishing she could wrap him in her arms and absorb his fears and anxieties. She poured the water from the kettle into a mug and filled the hot water bottle. "Here." She pulled the lid off of one of the applesauce containers and set it in front of him along with the cup of tea. "Now try and eat. At least finish this, it should help with your stomach," she said, handing him a spoon from the small tray which held coffee supplies.

Rafael nodded and took a sip of the tea. He took a small spoonful of applesauce and swallowed. It was bland and tasteless, but at least it didn't aggravate his stomach, so he finished it knowing that he would please Olivia.

Olivia retrieved a small towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around the hot water bottle. "Good," she said, when she saw that he had eaten. "I'm not sure what you wanted for your stomach, so I bought the pink stuff and some antacid."

"I'll take the pink stuff," he said, while Olivia shook the bottle and handed it to him with a spoon.

"Why don't you lie down? Try and get a little rest?"

"Yeah." He curled up on the bed and smiled when Oliva passed him the hot water bottle and held it to his stomach. "You don't have to stay."

She sat down next to him on the bed. "I want to," she said. "You try and get some sleep now."

Olivia stretched out on the small couch and opened her laptop. She watched as Rafael tossed and turned until he finally settled and fell asleep. Every now and then, she looked up from her laptop, worried for the poor man and hoping that he would find the strength to go through with everything.

It wouldn't be easy for him. She, of all people knew how hard it was to testify against a perpetrator. This would be hard, especially given the hold Doug had on him. Rafael's freedom from Doug was extremely tenuous and she worried that Rafael would return to him, just as many domestic violence victims return to their abusers.

The quietness of the room was disrupted when Rafael whined softly. His face contorted into a frown and he sat up, panting and wiping sweat from his forehead.

"Hey, it's OK. You're just having a dream," Olivia said, putting her laptop down and standing. She walked over to the bed and sat next to him.

"I swear I heard him."

"Doug?"

"Yeah."

"It was just a dream."

"It was so real though…"

"I know." Tentatively, she reached out and touched his shoulder. "I know it's scary. Come on, lay back down." She patted the pillow and smiled. "You're fine."

He nodded and lay down. "Olivia," he said as she rose from the bed.

"Yeah?"

"Did you have dreams like that, after Lewis?"

"For a while."

"Where they seem real? And every noise is him?" His eyes studied her face as he removed the towel from the hot water bottle and pressed it against his abdomen.

"Yeah. Unfortunately, those dreams aren't uncommon in a situation like yours, or like what I went through after Lewis…Do you want me to boil some more water?"

"Thanks." Rafael watched as Olivia filled the kettle and turned it on. "Will it ever stop?" he asked.

"It will. It'll take time, but it'll get better. I promise," she said. "Here you go." She sat down beside him and passed him the hot water bottle. "Is it helping your stomach at all?"

He nodded and pulled up the covers. "Yeah. It's a bit better now."

"Good." She reached out and rubbed his shoulder, smiled at him, and prayed that he would soon find peace and the strength he would need to get through this.


	8. Chapter 8

_Rafael. I miss you. Let's talk. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I miss you. Please call._

The blood drained from Rafael's face and his hands shook as he held his phone and read the text message from Doug over and over. His eyes darted nervously around the packed restaurant and back to his phone. Three days. Rafael couldn't believe it. It only took three days before Doug contacted him.

 _Rafi, please? I love you._

Rafael jammed his phone into his jacket pocket and pushed chair out. He stood up and headed to the cash register and left his coffee and half eaten lunch behind. As he waited in line at the cash register, Rafael shifted from one foot to the other and looked over his shoulder with dread, disbelief, and fear.

"I had the large coffee and chicken sandwich," he said, when it was his turn at the till.

"Right, table 4." The middle aged woman behind the cash register looked up at him and smiled. "Oh! Seems as though somebody has taken care of the bill for you."

"Pardon me?" he asked.

"Someone paid for your lunch, sir."

"Do you know who?"

"Sorry, I can't recall. I can ask one of the other girls if they might remember if you'd like."

"No, that's alright. Thanks." He handed the woman a twenty dollar bill and turned on his heel. A sinking feeling overcame him as he headed for the door.

"Sir, your lunch was paid for," the woman called after him.

He reached the doorway and stopped dead. Slowly he turned around and surveyed the restaurant. If Doug wasn't inside, then where was he? It had to have been him that paid for his meal. A colleague or friend would have surely joined him at his table if they had spotted him, and there was no one else that would suddenly pay for his lunch. It had to have been Doug.

Slowly, he opened the door and stepped out on to the street his eyes frantically searching faces in the crowd for Doug. He weaved through the mass of people on the sidewalk, his pace quickening as he went. A tall, large-framed man walked past him and Rafael felt his heart drop to his stomach. It wasn't Doug, but Rafael's nerves were frayed and his heart thudded against his chest.

He knew it would be best to get as far away from the restaurant as quickly as possible, so he decided to cross the street and hoped that he would disappear into the crowded sidewalk before Doug either spotted him or caught up with him. Just as Rafael stepped off of the curb, a strong hand on his shoulder pulled him back.

"Rafi…"

"Doug." Rafael flinched and spun around.

"Rafi, please. We just need to talk. I just want to talk. Please?"

"Doug…" Traffic began to flow and Rafael stepped back to the curb. He turned around and tried to step around Doug to back towards the restaurant. "You're not supposed to come near me…"

"Rafi. I won't hurt you. I promise. I'm trying to change, Rafi. Let's just go and talk."

Rafael stopped and looked away. A gust of wind blew and cut through Rafael's jacket. Shivering, he shook his head and thought of running.

"It was all my fault, Rafi. I know that. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Please," Doug said, and stepped closer to Rafael and smiled.

Rafael stepped backwards and shook his head.

"I know that you might not believe me," Doug continued, "but I am so very sorry. I don't expect you to take me back, but can we at least go and talk? Please, Rafi."

"I don't think so. The restraining order, everything…"

"Rafael. Just a coffee. Somewhere in public?"

Rafael looked up and studied Doug's face. "I'd better not."

"I know you're frightened. I can't even say how sorry I am. And I still love you. I understand if you don't love me anymore. Come on. At least let me buy you a coffee."

Rafael stared down the street and debated with himself. He shouldn't go, that much he knew, but he probably did need to tell Doug for himself that he was coming to collect his belongings and wanted to move on with life, and how it was best that Doug did the same.

"We'll get a coffee and that's it. I promise. Rafi," Doug said, bending down and looking into his eyes. "Please?" he asked, as his eyes became moist with tears.

"Well…coffee. But that's it."

Doug reached out and smoothed Rafael's hair after it was blown around by the strong wind and frowned when he flinched. "I'm sorry," Doug said. He stroked Rafael's hair gently. "I didn't mean to scare you. Come on. There's a place nearby."

* * *

Rafael's fingers tapped on the table, his other hand held the coffee mug and turned it in circles on the table. His head jerked up when Doug placed his hands on his.

"Don't be nervous, Rafael."

"This is a bad idea. I should probably go…"

"It'll be OK. We're just talking, that's all. We can talk, right? I mean, you want to talk, don't you?"

"I guess, but I have a restraining order against you. You're not supposed to be anywhere near me. I'm supposed to report if you come close."

"But you don't have to. No one needs to find out. Or, maybe you can have it rescinded? If you want to, of course."

"Doug," Rafael said. He sighed and looked away. "I don't know. This isn't good. I don't want anymore trouble. I should get going," Rafael said as he pushed his chair back and zipped up his jacket.

"Rafi, can you give me half an hour?" Doug pleaded as tears returned to his eyes, something Rafael had rarely seen. "30 minutes, that's all. I promise. After that, if you never want to see me again, I'll understand. I have so much to tell you. Please, Rafi?"

"Half an hour," Rafael said, and unzipped his jacket.

"Thanks. That means a lot to me…Guess what? I'm signed up for therapy. I spoke to a counselor on the phone yesterday, and I have an appointment next week. I've been to a few AA meetings too…I have to stop drinking. I'm making an effort, Rafi. I hope that one day, you'll come back, but I understand if you don't. You know what the counselor said to me?"

Rafael shook his head and folded his arms across his chest.

"He told me that the first step is for me to admit that it's my fault. I never should have hit you. You didn't do anything wrong, Rafi. It was me. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I realize now how badly I hurt you. It'll never, ever happen again. I promise."

"You've said that before," Rafael reminded him. "You've apologized to me before and promised it wouldn't happen again." Rafael lowered his eyes and sighed. "But, it got worse every time. I thought you were going to kill me. And then, you locked me up…Why should I think that you're really changing?"

"I know…You have no reason to believe me. I've hurt you too much. But, here's what I was thinking. I don't even want you to come back, yet. I should have to prove to you that I've changed. No matter how long that takes…It would be up to you to see that I've changed."

"How will I ever know that? I mean, how would you ever prove that to me? I always believed you before, I really did. I really thought you wouldn't do it again. But Doug, you held me under water…I thought I was going to die…I don't know if I can forget that."

"You never will. But, maybe we can start over one day. Like go back to dating again, and see where that goes. Think about it. That's all I ask. Take as much time as you need, and let me know. Whatever you decide, I'll understand."

"I'll think about it. But…" Rafael sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I can't promise anything."

"That's OK. And, thank you, Rafi…Now, I have to try and make things right. I mean, not that I can, but, obviously you can't stay in that hotel for long. A friend might have a lead on a month to month rental coming up soon. Near Midtown, fully furnished, parking, elevator…Do you want to look into that? I'll understand if you say no."

"Maybe…I'll think about it."

"Yeah, think about it. You just let me know. I'll help out in any way you're comfortable with. Moving costs, rent for a few months. And if you decide to move on, I'll understand. Anything you want or need. Just let me know."

Rafael sipped at his coffee. It was a good lead on an apartment, something hard to find in New York, especially since he would essentially have to start all over again. He could take that apartment for a few months at least, until he found something better and put his life back together. It would mean, however, that once again, Doug would have something to hold over him. On top of that, Doug would know where he was living, and that made Rafael uncomfortable. On the other hand, Doug would probably find out anyway…He could take the apartment, but not allow Doug to help in anyway, and that way he could maintain his independence. "Maybe, I could go see it sometime? Maybe next week?"

"I'm sure that would be fine. Here, I'll give you his card. His name is Geoff. Just tell him you know me, and he'll show it to you."

"Thanks…" Rafael took the card and put it in his wallet. "I don't want you to pay anything though…I want to do that on my own."

"Whatever you want. I'll help if you change your mind."

"Thanks, but I think I can manage. Umm…Doug? How did you find me? How did you know I was in that restaurant?"

"Just a coincidence. I knew the hotel you were staying in…I was going to text you to see if you wanted to go for coffee and I saw you head into the restaurant. I knew I was violating the order, and I'm sorry. I just had to see you. I was going out of my mind with worry…If you would have said no, I would have left."

"Oh…"

"Are you going to report me?"

Rafael tilted his head and furrowed his brow, his eyes intently studying Doug's face. "No," he said with a quiet sigh. "I guess not. If you're trying to change…" He looked hopefully at Doug. "I mean, if you're really trying, I won't."

"I am, Rafi. I really am."

"You're really going to go to a therapist? And to AA?"

"Yes. I promise you I am. I'll see it through. I know that I have to change. I want to change, for you and for me. I love you, Rafi and I miss you. Terribly."

Rafael's gaze was unwavering, his eyes narrowed and his lips parted slightly. "I really want to believe you."

Doug smiled and touched Rafael's hands. "That's the best thing I've ever heard. You have no idea how relieved I am. It's a start right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's been half an hour," Doug said when he checked his watch. "I guess we should get out of here." He stood and pulled on his jacket.

Rafael nodded and slowly followed Doug out of the café. They stood silently on the sidewalk, facing each other, neither knowing what to say.

"Can I at least give you a hug good-bye?" Doug asked, tilting his head down and looking into Rafael's eyes.

Rafael fumbled with the zipper on his jacket and averted his eyes away from Doug's pleading stare. "Ahh…I…"

Doug stepped in and put his arms around him. He sighed when he felt Rafael stiffen in his arms. "Oh, Rafi. I'm so sorry…Are you scared?" he said, running his hands up and down Rafael's back.

"No…it's just that, it can't happen again."

"I know. I promise. Can I walk you back to the hotel?"

"Yeah…Thanks for lunch, by the way."

"You're welcome. How was it?" Doug asked, as they walked towards Rafael's hotel.

"I didn't eat much…I got your texts and…" he said, his voice trailing off.

"Why don't we stop at a take out? You can heat it up later. Your room has a microwave?"

"Yeah."

As they stood in line at the take-out curry restaurant, feelings of panic rose and fell within Rafael. He wanted to trust Doug, but deep down, he wondered if he should. Doug was putting on a good show, gently touching Rafael's shoulder as they moved forward in the line, he spoke to him in gentle tones, and smiled down at him. Still, Rafael knew that Olivia would be furious with him for not reporting that the restraining order had been violated. She had warned him that this may happen, and her instructions to him were to call 911 if he so much as spotted Doug. Rafael tried to push thoughts of Olivia and what she would say about this out of his mind, but her words and her concerned face lingered in his mind.

"It's on me," Doug said, pulling out his wallet and pushing Rafael's handful of cash away. "Oh, and throw in a chicken curry, rice, and an extra order of naan," he said to the man behind the till. "I'm a little hungry myself," he whispered to Rafael.

Maybe this time would be different. After all, Doug was going to get counseling and it seemed as though he really understood how badly he had hurt and scared him. Rafael wondered what Olivia would think of that; actually, he knew that she wouldn't understand and pictured her giving him a disapproving look. He decided not to tell her anything for now. Besides, he reasoned with himself, it's not like he was even considering get back with Doug yet. They had only gone for a coffee and take-out, not a big deal. The bad part of this whole mess, was that the order of protection was still in effect, and Rafael was allowing it to be violated, which could get Doug into serious trouble. Rafael sighed, knowing that he was just as guilty as Doug was. He'd have no choice but to have the restraining order rescinded. Olivia would not approve though and Rafael dreaded having to tell her.

"Thank-you," Doug said as the man passed him the bag of food. "I've got it," he said, as Rafael reached to take the bag. His fingers brushed Rafael's shoulder as they headed out to the street towards the hotel.

Rafael watched Doug place the large paper bag on the ground and rifle through it to pull out his order.

"This is yours, I think," Doug said, holding up a small Styrofoam container and placed it back in the bag. "This one's mine…" he said, as he lifted the plastic lid and peeked inside. He put it on the ground beside the rest of his containers and handed the bag to Rafael.

"You should probably keep the bag," Rafael suggested. "I don't have far to go. Here…" Rafael kneeled down, and began to pull his food out.

"No, it's alright. I'll manage." Doug stood and held the small stack of containers against his chest.

"Well, why don't you come up and eat?" Rafael offered. His words left his mouth before he realized what he had just said.

"Are you sure?"

Rafael nodded and glanced up at Doug's face. "Yeah. It's just to eat, right?"

"Yeah," Doug said with a smile, reaching out and stroking Rafael's cheek. "We'll eat and just talk a little more."

* * *

"I ate too much," Doug said. He stood and packed up the leftovers and placed them in the fridge. "You sure you had enough?"

"Yeah. I wasn't all that hungry. I'll eat a little later."

"Do you mind if I stick around, just for a bit? We still have so much to talk about."

"No, that's OK, I guess."

"Come and sit down," Doug said.

"When did you decide to go to counseling?" Rafael asked.

"After I talked to the police. I had been thinking about it, and then my lawyer recommended it, so, I took his advice. I realized I was the one with the problem. Actually, I always knew it was me, deep down I knew. And I took my anger out on you. I guess I'll be working on that in counselling...I'll have a lot to work on in counselling."

Rafael smiled. "That's good. I really hope it helps you."

"I'll do what I have to. Anything to get you to trust me. I'm crazy about you and I miss you."

"But, you're doing it for yourself too, right?"

"Yes, of course. But, I really hope you can find it within you to give me another chance."

"Doug, it's not that I don't want to. It's just that…I'll try, but, it won't be easy to just forget everything."

"I know," Doug said. He shifted over on the couch and put his arm around Rafael. "But, you'll have to try. You have to believe me." He tightened his arm around him when Rafael squirmed and kissed his neck.

Rafael wiggled out of Doug's hold and turned to look at him. "Stop…"

"Rafi -" Doug pulled him back beside him and held onto him tightly.

"Doug, you have to give me time." He stood and walked to the fridge and poured a glass of water. "I thought you wanted to talk."

"You're right. I guess I was hoping that if things went well…we could get close."

"What about all that stuff you said? About taking my time and talking? Was any of that true?"

"Of course it was. Rafi, come here," Doug said. He reached out for Rafael's waist as he stood and pulled him to the couch. "Sit down. It was all true, I wanted to talk. Sit with me for a bit, we'll talk…we'll just talk." Doug wrapped his arms around Rafael's shoulder and cupped his chin. "I'm sorry," he said and leaned over to kiss him.

"This isn't a good idea. Maybe you should go." Rafael had had enough. No more was he going to allow Doug to just walk all over him and do what he pleased. Determined to stand his ground, Rafael walked over to Doug's coat, hanging on the chair and handed it to him. "We can talk again another time."

"Rafael." Doug stood up. "I'm not finished talking. Come on now," he said, and tossed his jacket to the bed. "Relax, and sit down."

"No. I said, we'll talk another time. You have to go," he said. His heart pounded against his ribcage so hard he was certain the Doug could hear it.

Doug stood inches away from his face, staring at Rafael in the eyes and smiling when he saw him flinch and back away. "No. I'm not done talking to you yet," he said. He grabbed Rafael's arm and pulled him close. "I said, sit down."

Rafael twisted his arm away from Doug and shook his head. "Leave. Now." He turned and pointed towards the door.

Doug sighed. "You know what bothers me, Rafi? You were all content to hear how everything is my fault. How it's all my problem. How you're so innocent in all of this. Not once, did you ever acknowledge your role in anything. You were quite willing to have me grovel and make things up to you, weren't you, you little bastard?"

"No, that's not true." He gasped when Doug pulled him by the shoulders back down to the couch and wrapped his arms tightly around his chest. "You...you have to go."

"Like I said, I'm not finished talking."

"I don't want to talk anymore. Let go."

Doug jerked Rafael's chin towards him. "Then, I'll talk. Now, listen to me. What the fuck were you thinking when you went to the cops? Thank God they didn't believe your story. They thought that you're some whiny little fuck up that got beat up by a fuck buddy. I told them what a cheap little slut you are, and they agreed that you used me. For my money, for my apartment, oh pardon me " _our"_ apartment, which you didn't even pay for, and for everything. You could have caused me a lot of trouble. Do you realize that?" he asked and jerked Rafael's chin again. "Well?" Doug growled. "What do you have to say?"

Rafael squirmed in his grip and knew that he had only one chance to get away. He sat and plotted his way out before he made his move. Slowly, he drew his arm forward and then, with as much force as possible, he drove his elbow back and struck Doug in his stomach.

While Doug gasped for air, Rafael bolted from the couch and headed for the door. "You fucking little bastard," Doug said and sprinted after him. Hu lunged forward and grabbed Rafael by his waist and spun him around. "You just made a huge mistake." He picked him up and tossed him on to the bed.

Rafael landed on his back, his legs hung off the end of the bed and kicked at Doug. He rolled over, avoided Doug's arms, and slid off the end of the bed. With one long stride, Doug stepped around to the side of the bed, and trapped him against the wall.

Doug surged forward and punched Rafael's head hard enough to spin him around and knock him back to the bed. He climbed onto the bed after him and hauled Rafael's legs onto the mattress. He pounced on top of him and in quick succession, he slapped him twice across the face and laughed. "Really, Rafi? Was that your pathetic little attempt to teach me a lesson?" he asked, gripping Rafael's shirt and raising his chest off of the bed. He slammed him back to the mattress. "Did you think you'd get away with defying me? You thought that you could leave me?"

"Get out or I'll call the police," Rafael sputtered.

"Oh? And how are you going to do that?" Doug asked as Rafael lay pinned to the bed. "Fuck, you're stupid. You must have sucked a lot of cock to get through Harvard. I'll bet those professors passed your little ghetto ass around like candy."

"Doug, get out now, and I won't report this."

"You're the one who invited me up to your room! What kind of little whore does that? What do you think was going to happen?"

"I told you, I thought we were just going to talk. If you don't leave, I'll tell them you violated the order."

"Oh, Rafi. I'm not worried about that at all. You invited me up here. What kind of message do you think that sent?" Doug asked. He leaned down, his mouth hovered over Rafael's. "I knew that you just wanted to get fucked," he whispered.

"Doug…" Rafael shut his eyes and turned his head to avoid Doug's lips.

"Don't be like that." He slapped Rafael hard across the face twice and sat up. He took off his shirt and flung it to the floor and unbuckled his belt and then rose to his knees to push his pants down.

"What are you doing?"

"Take off your pants."

"No. I'm not having sex with you."

Doug slapped him again. "What did you just say? Take off your pants, or I will."

"Get away from me," Rafael ordered while he squirmed and struggled. "You're not getting laid tonight."

"Like hell I'm not. Now, Rafi. This can go two ways here. You can listen to me and take off your pants, or I'll take them off for you, and you'll get fucked harder than you ever have been before in your life."

Pinned between Doug and the bed, Rafael tried his best to maintain his calm. There was no way he was going to give in to Doug, he was tired of that. "Doug," he said, with a plan to escape in his head. "I'll take off my pants, but you have to get off of me."

Doug smiled. "I thought as much." He lifted himself off of Rafael and sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Rafael slowly undid the button on his jeans.

Rafael looked sideways at Doug, knowing that he was watching his every move. He gripped his zipper between his finger and thumb, pulled it down, and slowly swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He hitched his thumbs inside the waistband of his jeans and stood up with an eye on Doug.

Doug stood up, fully aware that Rafael was up to something. He smirked and turned suddenly to Rafael and swung his fist into his stomach.

Rafael doubled-over and gasped for air. "Doug!" he cried, "don't do this."

Doug pushed him to the bed and yanked his pants off and while Rafael fought to catch his breath, he stepped out of his pants and underwear, pushed Rafael on his back, and climbed on top of him. He reached for his jacket and pulled out some lube. He flicked the cap open in Rafael's face and smiled. "I can't wait to see the look on your face," he said as he forced Rafael's thighs apart.

Rafael gasped, his mouth open in shock as he sucked in a ragged breath. "Stop," he pleaded. "Please, stop."

While Doug panted and groaned in pleasure, Rafael, in between whimpers of pain, extended his arm and reached for the alarm clock on the bed side table. He grasped it in his hand and swung it, as hard as he could at the side of Doug's head.

Doug sat up, stunned, and put his hand to his head. He held his hand in front of his face and a look of shock overcame his face when he realized that he was bleeding. Rafael swung the clock towards Doug's head again and rolled away. Doug caught Rafael's wrist and wrangled the alarm clock from his hand, held it in mid-air and hesitated. Suddenly, he brought his hand down and smashed the clock against Rafael's head until it flew out of his hand and hit the floor.

Blood trickled slowly from the side of Rafael's head onto the bedsheet. The room swirled around him and Rafael's vision became blurry. He squirmed and continued to fight as Doug forced his thighs apart again and held him down. Weakly, he slapped and pushed at Doug who simply laughed at his feeble attempts at self-defence.

"Don't do this," Rafael begged. He tried to sit up, but Doug's weight on him made escape impossible. Rafael looked up and when he saw Doug's venom-filled eyes and his face full of hatred and rage, he froze. He lay still while Doug pinned his wrists beside his head and forced his knees apart. Aside from Doug's grunts and Rafael's fast and shallow breaths, the room was quiet; the chaos that had filled the room moments earlier had dissipated while Doug continued with what he had started.

When he finished, Doug rolled off and sat on the edge of the bed. Paralyzed with fear and pain, Rafael lay motionless; his hips turned out, knees bent, and his hands beside his head. His chest moved up and down with his heavy breaths, his eyes stared straight up at the ceiling.

Rafael listened to Doug's footsteps as he walked towards the bathroom. He heard the clink of the toilet lid as it hit the tank. The water ran from the faucet for a few moments. Doug walked back across the room and stood next to the bed, holding a dampened facecloth to the side of his head. He stared down at Rafael with contempt. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You look like a slut, lying there with your legs apart," Doug said and slapped Rafael's knee. He headed to the mini-bar and pulled out a bottle of vodka and poured a drink. "You're a fucking little whore," Doug said, calmly as he sat back on the edge of the bed and stared down.

Rafael's phone beeped with the sound of an incoming text message. "You have a message," Doug said. "Hmm…message from your lady-cop friend." Doug sat down and took a long sip of his drink. He held the phone out in front of Rafael and read the message from Olivia out loud, in a mock-female voice.

 _How are things?_

"Well, Rafi, baby, how are things? Olivia wants to know." He smiled and slapped Rafael's bare stomach. "Oh, I know what to say."

 _Not bad. Just going to watch Letterman. You?_ Doug texted. He smiled as he hit the send button.

 _Good, but tired. Still on for breakfast? Say around 8?_

 _Sounds good to me._ Doug texted back.

 _OK. See you in the am._

"You've got a breakfast date at 8," Doug said with a laugh. "That gives us lots of time," he said, as he climbed into bed next to Rafael, whose gaze never wavered from the ceiling. Doug leaned over and gave Rafael a long, lingering kiss on the lips and smiled, knowing that once again, he had defeated him. He pushed him onto his side and slung his leg over him, and laughed at Rafael's quiet whimper.

* * *

The early morning sky was purple, and just before the sun began to peep through the curtains, Doug yanked on Rafael's arm. "Get dressed," he ordered, as he threw a shirt and pair of underwear at him. He loaded some clothing in Rafael's suitcases and zipped them up. "Did you hear what I said?" Doug asked as stood and dragged the suitcases to the corner of the room. "Get up and get dressed."

Rafael lifted his head off the mattress and pulled the shirt on, groaning as he put his arms through the holes. He bent his knees and pulled up his underwear and winced as Doug tossed a pair of jeans at him. "What's going on?" he whispered.

"You're checking out," Doug said, cramming Rafael's toiletries into a backpack.

"What?" Rafael asked. He lay his pounding head back down and covered his eyes to protect them from the glare of the overhead light.

"I'm taking you home. So get up and get dressed, unless you want me to drag you out of here like that."

Slowly, Rafael sat up. He raised his head and looked at Doug looming over him. "Doug. You promised me…" He closed his eyes. He had anticipated the slap that Doug landed across his face.

"Put your pants on."

"No."

"Have it your way," Doug snarled. He grabbed Rafael's arm and hauled him up off the bed. "You're going to look like an idiot walking around half-naked," he said and pushed Rafael towards the door.

"I'm not going with you." He turned and watched as Doug picked up his bags and pulled out the handle of his suitcase.

"What was that?" Doug asked, dropping Rafael's bags to the floor and stepping close to him. He grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him. "What did you say?" Doug's breath, reeked of alcohol and grew loud and ragged in Rafael's ear. "What did I tell you about defying me?" he screamed as he shook him.

"I'm sorry," Rafael offered, over and over as his head whipped back and forth violently. Doug stopped shaking him only to punch him, his fist landing on the side of his head. Rafael collapsed to the floor and curled up into a ball and held his hands over his face to protect himself from Doug's kicks.

Doug reached down, grabbed his arm and forced him to his feet. He jerked him backwards and then forwards with such force that Rafael crashed into the flimsy bi-fold closet door.

Rafael lay still on the floor. His eyes rolled back in his head and he blinked heavily. The last thing he remembered before he passed out was the closet door hanging precariously over him, lopsided and threatening to fall off its hinges.

The phone rang and pierced the quietness in the room. "Hello?" Doug answered. He knelt down next to Rafael and clamped his hand over his mouth. "Oh? I'm so sorry. Yes, everything is fine. I'm very sorry, it won't happen again," Doug said. He hung up the phone and tossed it aside. "You're too loud," he whispered in Rafael's ear.

A strange sound came from Rafael's throat. Doug shook his shoulders and slapped his face. "Oh for fucks sake," he said, as vomit bubbled and dripped from Rafael's mouth. "Get up," Doug ordered. "I said, get up!"

Doug panicked at the sight of Rafael unconscious on the floor, his head covered in blood. The phone rang, and again, it was the hotel security calling; there had been another noise complaint. Once again, he pretended to be Rafael, profusely apologised for the noise and insisted that everything was fine. He hung up the phone and ran his hands through his hair as he stared down at Rafael. He bent down and grasped Rafael's arms and dragged him to the bed. With a heavy grunt, he picked Rafael up off the floor and placed him on the bed.

Rafael's abdomen contracted with spasms and vomit trickled from the corner of his lips and down the side of his face. Doug backed away in shock at the sight of Rafael's condition. Even in his drunken state, he knew that there was no way out of the situation. He walked over to the bed and threw the covers over Rafael. Briefly, he considered smothering him with a pillow, but instead decided to deliberately leave him lying on his back. At least that would look like an accident, he reasoned. Rafael would die by asphyxiation, he thought. Doug grabbed his jacket, flicked off the lights, and shut the door quietly behind him, leaving Rafael alone and wishing death upon him. He turned the sign hanging on the door knob to "Do not disturb," and walked casually down the hall to the elevator.

* * *

"Rafael?" Olivia called, knocking softly on the door. She dialed his cell and knocked harder when she heard his phone ring from inside his room. "Rafael?"

She considered the possibility that Rafael had slept in, or that he had simply forgotten about their plans for breakfast. Something seemed off though, and she became more concerned with each passing moment. She knocked on his door again and called his cell. "Rafael?" She hoped that he had left for breakfast and had forgotten his phone. If that were the case though, he surely would have called her from a payphone. Besides, the entire situation was very unlike Rafael.

Concerned, Olivia phoned the hotel's front desk and asked for security. "I'm Sergeant Benson, NYPD," she explained. "Could someone please come and open room 920?" she asked.

"Room 920?" said the man's voice. "Hold on one moment…Yes, someone will be up there shortly. Seems like there was some sort of party there last night. Two noise complaints, around 5 in the morning."

"Tell them to hurry." Olivia hung up her phone and tried to break down the door. She forced her shoulder into the door and called Rafael's name. "Open this door," she said to a young woman who pushed a housekeeping cart out of the next room.

"What? I can't, the sign says - " the young woman stammered with a stunned look on her face while Oliva tried again to force the door open.

"I'm with the police," Olivia said and showed the woman her badge. "Open the door, please."

"Here," she said and handed Olivia her master key card.

"Rafael," Olivia called as she burst into the room. "Oh my God." She raced to the bed and turned to the security guard who had just arrived. "Call 911."

"Oh my God," she said again. "Rafael." She sighed in relief as his eyes fluttered and he let out a quiet moan.

"Rafael. Open your eyes. What happened?" she asked as she knelt down beside the bed.

A gurgling sound came from Rafael's chest and a clear, foamy fluid bubbled at his lips as Olivia helped him roll to his side. "You're OK. You're going to be fine. Can you tell me what happened?" Olivia grabbed some tissues from the bedside table and dabbed at his lips. She tried to lift the blankets to check him for injuries, but Rafael moaned and gripped his covers. She held his face, her fingers under his chin, and her thumb stroked along his eyebrow and down the side of his cheek.

"Doug," Rafael moaned.

"What did he do to you?" Olivia lowered her head to look him in the eyes. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Rafael closed his eyes and felt Olivia's hand on his cheek, giving him the gentle comfort he sorely needed. He opened his eyes and through his dizziness, he focused on the softness of her face and eyes. His brow furrowed as he concentrated on her face and tried to ignore the pain he was in.

"It's OK, you don't have to talk right now," she said softly. She ran her hands through her hair and turned to the security guard.

"Ambulance is on the way," he said, from the doorway.

"You're going to be fine. The ambulance is coming," Olivia said, turning back to Rafael, and wiping his lips. "You're OK now. He's gone, and you're safe now." Olivia smiled and tried to hide her horror at the sight of him.

He nodded his head and touched the side of his face, smiled a tiny, quick smile, and closed his eyes when Olivia reached out and gently stroked his head.

"It's my fault," he whispered.

"No. No, Rafael. It's not your fault."

"I let him come."

"That's OK. It wasn't your fault."

"I tried…"

"What did you try?" Olivia asked in a whispered voice.

Rafael opened his eyes and gripped his blankets. "I tried to fight back, I really tried. He was too strong."

"I know, I know." Olivia sighed and stood up as the paramedics arrived. "I'll come with you," she said, when she saw the worried look on his face.

"He's going to find me. Don't let him find me."

"Don't worry. You're going to the hospital and you can come stay with me for a while, alright?"


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia held the door to her apartment and set down Rafael's bag, which, despite his protests, she had insisted on carrying for him. "Welcome to your home for the next while." She smiled and held her arm out as he shuffled through the door.

"I'll try not to be a bother," he said, smiling weakly as she touched his shoulder.

"You're no bother. I'll show you your room." She picked up his backpack and walked slowly as she led him to the spare bedroom. "It's small, but you should be comfortable," she said and put his bag down next to the bed.

"It's perfect." The room was small, with a comfortable looking bed, a small desk, bedside table, and a dresser. The coziness of the room comforted him and he hoped that staying here for a few days would be what he needed to clear his head and begin to pick up the pieces in his life. "Are you sure you don't mind me being here? I mean…"

"Of course not. You can stay as long as you want. I just want you to feel at home."

"Thank you so much, Olivia."

"You're welcome. Now, is there anything you need? Are you hungry?"

"I don't think so…I'll be fine. Maybe I should lie down for a bit, if that's OK with you."

"Of course. I want you to be comfortable." She smiled at him in his bulky, mismatched sweat suit which hung a little too long past his wrists and ankles. He looked nothing like the Rafael she knew. "Here," she said. She pulled the blankets down and smoothed the fitted sheet. "I hope it's comfortable."

Rafael winced as he eased himself onto the bed. He leaned to one side, and then the other as the pain that shot through his body reminded him of the horrors of the previous day.

A frown crossed Olivia's face as she watched him struggle. Seeing the poor man in such pain tore at her heart. Not only concerned for his physical state, she also worried about his mental anguish and how he would recover from the trauma Doug inflicted upon him. Forcing herself to smile, she patted his shoulder gently. "Just hang on." She rushed out of the room and returned with an armful of pillows. "Let's get you comfortable. Which way do you want to lie?"

"I don't know…everything hurts…"

"Well, let's try your right side. Maybe avoid laying on those stitches?"

"Yeah."

"Here." She placed a pillow on the mattress and smoothed it out. "This should make it nice and soft for you." She adjusted the pillow under his head, her smile concealed her concern while he fought to hold in a moan. "How's that?"

"Good," he said. He held his breath and gingerly stretched his legs. A pained whimper accompanied his exhaled breath as he squirmed in an attempt to find comfort. "I'm sorry," he said through gritted teeth.

"Don't be sorry. I know it hurts. Can you lift up for just a second? Your shirt is all bunched up."

"Where's Noah?" he asked, as he raised his side off of the pillow.

"He's with Lucy, out at the museum. They should be back in a few hours." Olivia touched his shoulder gently and pulled his sweatshirt taught, eliminating wrinkles from pressing into his tender side. "That should be better. Here, lie back down...Is that any help?"

"Yeah… You didn't have to send him away because of me…"

"Are you kidding? He loves going out. I just wanted to time to get you settled in."

"Oh."

"This might help a little," she said as she put a body pillow on the bed next to Rafael. "Lean into it a bit…It'll take some of the pressure off of your side."

"That feels better," he said as he leaned into the pillow and slowly lifted his leg over it.

"Good." She headed to the door and stopped. Turning around, she looked back at Rafael, curled up in bed and in desperate need of kindness. "I'll be right back."

Rafael nodded and snuggled into the pillow to find the position that would cause the least amount of pain. Everything hurt; the bruises that covered him, more cracked ribs on top of the ones that were still healing, and stiches in the side of his head.

The injuries he sustained when Doug forced him to have sex were another matter; painful and even more humiliating than the ones on the rest of his body. With the amount of pain he was in, Rafael was sure that Doug had torn him badly, and he recalled seeing some blood on the bedsheets in the hotel. The doctor at the ER had said something about his injuries, but Rafael had been in too much pain to pay close attention to his advice.

He hadn't told Olivia anything about Doug raping him but the way she cast him long, pitying looks, the way her soft smile turned into a frown when she thought he wasn't looking, and the way she opened her mouth as if to speak but didn't say anything, made him suspect that she knew. And, Rafael was sure that with all of her years in the SVU, she could probably tell what happened just by looking at him. He sighed and wrapped himself a little more around the pillow and wondered whether or not he should just come out and tell her everything; she was bound to find out for sure, if she didn't already know.

What he did know for, is that he never wanted to be touched again. Thinking of the all of the times that he rolled over, shut his eyes, and let Doug do what he wanted disgusted him so much that Rafael felt like retching. Last night's attack was so awful that he found himself thankful that he didn't remember all of it clearly. Foggy memories of Doug climbing on and off of him, rolling him over, and pinning him to the bed came and went through Rafael's mind. He heard Olivia's footsteps coming back towards the room. Quickly, he wiped away a tear and doubted that he'd ever really, truly be able to trust another human being for as long as he lived. He shook his head, as if he was shaking the memories away, and commanded himself not to cry.

"Here you go," Olivia said. She had returned to the room with a glass of water, a blue, old-fashioned ice-pack, and a hot water bottle. "Can I just move the pillow a bit?"

"Yeah…You remembered?"

Olivia nodded and tucked the bottle between Rafael's stomach and the pillow. "Is that alright? It's not too hot?"

"It's good..."

"You let me know as soon as it cools down. I'll give you this," she said and handed the ice-pack to him and pulled the blankets up to his chest.

"Thanks." Rafael took the ice-pack and held it to the back of his neck and watched as Olivia left the room once again and quickly returned with a chair.

"If there's anything you need, let me know," she said. "Don't be shy."

"I should be fine now."

"Here, take a sip of water." She held the glass of water and watched Rafael struggle to prop himself up. Her sympathies for him mingled with hatred and rage against the man that had done this to him. "Do you need anything else?"

Rafael shook his head and let out a quiet moan as he lay back down and pulled the blankets up to his shoulders. "No, thanks." His eyes closed as he repositioned his leg around the long pillow. He sighed and drew in a sudden sharp breath as his slow movement sent a lightening flash of pain through him. "I'm fine," he said when he opened his eyes and saw Olivia's worried face.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. It's just when I move around too much."

"I know. Well, you can just relax now."

Nodding, he took a deep breath and looked up at Olivia. "You won't tell anyone about this?"

"No. But, Rafael, they're bound to find out…Doug is in custody. It'll come across their desks eventually."

"It's embarrassing. I know you're going to tell me not to feel that way, but it's how I feel."

"You shouldn't be embarrassed. None of this is your fault."

"I tried to fight back. I really did. But, when he gets mad, he's so strong. He just snapped. I couldn't even defend myself."

"I know you tried."

"I did. But then I gave up again…just like all the other times. I just froze…"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"He ran into me when I was out having lunch and I had coffee with him. He promised me he wouldn't do it again. He said he's in AA and counselling. So, we got some take out and I let him come to my room. I believed him when he said he changed. Then he kept trying to hug me, and I told him to stop. That's when he went crazy…He just kept hitting me over and over. Some of it I don't really remember, I was kind of out of it. But he'd stop for a bit and then go crazy again."

"Wait. So he was there from supper time on?"

"Umm…yeah, I guess it was before supper. Maybe mid-afternoon?"

"So he was there when I texted you?"

"That was him, he was texting you, pretending to be me."

"Oh no, Rafael…I was texting with him?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh. I'm so sorry…I don't know what to say. When did he leave?"

"I don't know exactly, he was there almost all night though, I know that, cause I remember it being 4 o'clock and he was there. When it started to get light outside, he tried to make me go with him, and when I said no, he went crazy. Really crazy. He was trying to take me home." Rafael's eyes widened. "Maybe I should have gone with him. Maybe I could have gotten away then. I don't really remember all of that part…Why didn't I think of that then?"

"Rafael that might not have worked. It's probably a good thing you didn't go. You were already injured at that point, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think that if he would have taken you home, all of this could have been worse."

"Maybe…yeah. Well, you probably wouldn't have found me so soon."

"Right. And if you were already hurt, you might not have been able to get away from him. Like you said, you were already in and out of it, right? So, you did the right thing. You did what you had to and, you survived."

"It made him so angry when I wouldn't go with him. He kept kicking and punching me. He never used to hit my face that hard, because he didn't want me to have a black eye, but last night he didn't care. I tried to get away, but he's just so strong…I couldn't. He was throwing me around like nothing. I remember laying on the floor and throwing up all over, and then that's it. When I woke up, I was in bed…he must have put me there. He was gone and I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I think I fell asleep again until you came and woke me."

"He could have killed you."

"I thought he was going to. I screwed up by letting him come to my room. By even talking with him. I should have called the police as soon as he came near me, but I really thought he was trying." He looked up at Olivia and sighed. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No, Rafael, you're not. Guys like Doug are convincing. They're experts at manipulating people."

"I have no excuse. I'm an sex crimes lawyer. I deal with this stuff for a living, and still, I fell for it."

"Sometimes, it's hard to see our own situation clearly. We can see the problems that someone else is facing, but hard to see our own. Does that make sense?"

"But, I'm a grown man. I should have known better. He lied to me before…what would make me think he changed? God, I am stupid. Just like he said."

"No, Rafael. You're not stupid. You trusted him and he betrayed you. He worked hard to convince you and to suck you in. That's not your fault. What he did was wrong, Rafael. This is on him, not you."

"I guess…"

"You don't sound convinced."

Rafael shrugged and sighed. He had no idea how to explain how mixed up he was about everything. Obviously what Doug had done was wrong, but Rafael couldn't shake the feeling of being at least partially responsible. "I never should have let him up to my room."

"So, because you let him come to your room, was it alright that he hurt you? Did that give him the right to beat you?"

"No," he whispered.

Olivia watched Rafael's eyes drift away from her and stare at the dresser. He licked his lips and closed his eyes as he moved his leg against the pillow. Unable to find comfort, he moaned and clenched his fist in frustration.

"It's not going to be easy, but you'll get through this. I promise."

Rafael sat up slowly. "I need to take something," he said. He gritted his teeth and reached for the pill bottle on the bedside table.

"Let me get it," Olivia offered. She opened the bottle and shook some pills into his shaking hand. "Here." She passed him the glass of water and watched as he sipped at it. "Those should help."

"I hope." He passed the glass back to Olivia and winced as he lay his head down. "I swear, every inch of me hurts."

"I know. Let me fix you up here." She pulled back the covers and smoothed out the pillow under his side and made sure his shirt wasn't bunched up under him. "Alright, try and get some rest for a little while," she said as she pulled the blankets back up around him.

"Yeah." He closed his eyes and hugged the pillow close to him, the hot water bottle against his stomach providing him his only physical comfort.

"If you need anything, you just let me know."

"Thanks."

* * *

Rafael blinked his eyes, confused, before he remembered that he was at Olivia's. He lay still as he listened to the soft noises coming from the apartment. The television was on, and Olivia was talking softly to Noah, who cooed and giggled in response. Knowing that Olivia was trying to keep Noah quiet for his benefit, Rafael felt awkward, like he was intruding upon her space. He decided that as soon as he could get around he'd find a hotel and begin his search for a new home.

The sensation of pins and needles tingled in his arm and shoulder so he stifled his moan and rolled off of his side and shifted, inch by inch onto his back. He raised his hips off the bed and shoved a pillow under them, hoping to find comfort.

"Hey. I hope we didn't wake you."

"No, not at all." Rafael lowered his hips to the pillow and turned his head to see Olivia standing in the doorway and bouncing Noah gently on her hip. She smiled as she walked towards the bed and sat down, shifting Noah from one knee to the other.

"Hi, Noah," Rafael said quietly.

"Noah, can you say 'hi' to Rafael?"

Noah grinned and waved a plush teddy bear around in the air in front of his face. He leaned forward in Olivia's lap and offered the toy to Rafael, who despite his discomfort reached over and took the bear from his tiny fist. "Thank you," Rafael said and smiled at the boy.

"What a nice boy," Olivia said. "Sharing your toy with Rafael."

Olivia and Rafael's eyes met and they exchanged smiles and laughed as Noah leaned forward again and took the toy back. "How's he doing?" Rafael asked.

"He's great. Getting bigger and learning something new every day."

"Good. That's so good to hear. What time is it?"

"Nearly 10. You slept for hours."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have napped for that long. Those pills knocked me out."

"No, you needed it. And please don't be sorry for anything," she said. "I'm just going to put Noah down for the night," she said. "I'll be back as soon as I get him settled."

"Olivia," Rafael said when she returned. "You must be tired. I can manage."

"I'm fine. I have some soup to heat up for you."

"Thanks, but really…I'll be fine," Rafael said. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, leaning to one side, his eyes darting to Olivia as she stood over him with her arm out. Embarrassed at the fuss she was making over him, he stood up and refused her hand. "Washroom?" he asked.

"Just across the hall."

"Oh, right." Rafael nodded and walked slowly out of the room. He felt Olivia's eyes watching him so he bit down hard on his bottom lip and forced himself to walk as normally as possible. As he washed his hands, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and did a double-take. The water ran from the tap over his hands as he stared at his reflection in shock. Doug had outdone himself this time, Rafael thought as he leaned forward and examined his face. He shut off the water, dried his hands, and reached up to touch the side of his face.

Dried, blood mixed with the yellow-tinged iodine crusted around the edge of the white gauze wrapped around the top of his head. The entire left side of his face was swollen, patches of red and purple blended together and covered him from his forehead, down his cheek to his neck and across his left eye. He pulled up his shirt and turned, staring at his left side and then his right. His fingers gingerly traced the outline of bruises, some oblong and bearing a semblance to the shape of a foot.

He yanked his shirt down and pushed up his sleeves exposing his wrists, the bruises on them obviously from Doug holding him down. Running his hands over his head he felt filthy, as if he hadn't washed in weeks. Tiny ridges were scattered over his scalp and he frowned as he put his hands in front of his face, examining the flakes of dried blood sticking to his fingertips. He rinsed his hands and called to Olivia as he exited the bathroom. "Do you mind if I have a shower? I really need to get cleaned up."

"Of course not. But you should probably have a bath. You can't get the stiches wet."

"Yeah, right."

"I'll go get your bag…"

"Thanks."

Rafael watched as Olivia scurried around the bathroom; running the water for him and setting out a stack of towels and facecloths. "You help yourself to anything you need. There's some soap, some body wash. Here's a bag to put your laundry in. I'll be doing a load tomorrow, I can throw in your stuff if you'd like."

He smiled and looked around at everything laid out for him. "That would be great. Thanks."

"Here's your bag, you should have enough in there until we get the rest of your stuff back from holding. I made sure I packed up some comfortable clothes for you."

"You packed this for me?"

"Yeah. CSU wanted to take everything, but I made sure to grab enough for you for at least a few days. You know how backed up they get."

"Thanks…If it weren't for you, I don't even know where I'd be right now. Maybe dead, if he came back."

"Don't think about that," Olivia said. "Try and relax. If you need help with anything, you just call me. In the meantime, I'll go get out some of that soup. You have to eat something, I insist."

"Thank you."

After Olivia left, Rafael stripped his clothes off and carefully stepped into the tub. He held the wall and lowered himself into the water slowly as he adjusted to the temperature. The last time he had a bath was when Doug held him under water. Rafael shuddered at the memory and reminded himself that for now, he was safe. Still, he inched forward and opened the drain, and watched as he let half of the water disappear. As he began to wash himself, he pushed thoughts of Doug and his possible whereabouts out of his mind. That was in the hands of the police now, and for all he knew, he may have already been arrested.

He turned his legs out and examined the bruises that covered his thighs and groin. He washed away tiny specs of dried blood that clung to his skin that seemed to dissolve in the water. No wonder every step he took hurt, he thought.

Lathering up the cloth with body wash he rubbed it all over himself, trying to wash every inch of his skin and rid himself of Doug's touch. He rinsed off and climbed out of the tub and wrapped himself in one of the towels Olivia had set out for him.

After he dried off, he picked up his laundry from the floor and began to put it into the laundry bag, but stopped when he saw his underwear, stained with traces of blood. "Fuck!" he said under his breath. Not wanting Olivia to find them, he decided against throwing them into the garbage, so he stuffed them into the bottom pocket of his backpack, and pulled out a fresh change of clothes. He checked the seat of his pants and was thankful to find them clean, and put them into the laundry bag with his shirt.

Holding a facecloth over the side of his bandaged head, Rafael began the arduous process of washing his hair. With one towel placed on the counter, he leaned over the sink, wet his hair, and lathered up. He scrubbed delicately at his scalp and watched with fascination, as flakes of dried blood turned into gelatinous blobs that stretched between his fingertips. He rinsed his hair as best he could and patted a towel gently against his head. It seemed to have taken forever for him to complete such a simple task, and by the time Rafael pulled his long-sleeved shirt over his head, he was exhausted. He sighed and wandered out to the kitchen.

"All done?" Olivia asked as she filled a bowl with steaming soup. "Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah, I do." Rafael sat down and squeezed his eyes shut when pain surged through him.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Fine." He opened his eyes and smiled to hide his discomfort. He drew in a sharp breath and exhaled slowly through closed lips. "It smells good…"

Olivia placed the bowl in front of him and sat down. "It's homemade," she said, smiling broadly as he dipped the spoon into the bowl and took a bite. "Vegetable and barely."

"It's great."

"Thanks. Easy to make really. I'm glad to see you eating. How's your stomach feeling?"

"Not bad…Do you think they'll let him out this time? I'm worried that he'll find out where I am. I don't want him coming here."

"I don't think so. They've got a lot on him. Arraignment is tomorrow, and they're pushing for remand."

Rafael nodded and looked down at the table. "That's good." He finished the soup in silence and looked up at Olivia, who sat flipping through a magazine and giving him reassuring smiles.

"Do you want to watch some TV for a while?" she asked when he finished the last bit of soup.

"I think I just want to lie down again."

"OK, come, I'll give you a hand."

"Olivia? I know this sounds crazy, coming from me, but I'm scared of seeing him in court. I don't know if I can do it. I know that you had to against Lewis, and I know that victims do all the time…but, I don't think I can."

"I know you're scared," Olivia said as she stuffed pillows behind his back. She handed him the freshly filled hot water bottle and sat down. "He's a scary man. But, I know you can do it."

"I don't want everyone knowing everything that he did. I don't want to sit up there and talk about what happened."

"I know." Olivia sighed and reached out to stroke the side of his face. Her fingers stopped inches from his cheek when she saw him rapidly blink his eyes and turn his head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.."

"It's OK," Rafael said and turned his head back to her. "I do that sometimes. It drove Doug crazy." He slouched down against the pillows and sighed. "The thought of having him sitting there, staring at me, while I say what he did." He sighed and wiped his eyes with his sleeves. "Olivia," he said, squirming. "He raped me too."

"I know. I'm so sorry that happened to you." She closed her eyes when Rafael extended his arm and reached for her hand.

"So…You did know."

"Do you remember telling me? When you were in the ambulance…"

"No. Did I?"

"Yeah." She massaged his hand in hers and smiled when she felt his hand relax.

"Oh." His eyes studied her face and looked into her eyes. He shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his hand pressing the hot water bottle against his abdomen. "I guess I forgot...I was pretty mixed up this morning." Determined to maintain his composure, he held his breath and held back his tears. Slowly, he exhaled and raised his eyes to her unwavering gaze. Despite his efforts to keep his emotions in check, a sob escaped his throat as Olivia held his hand in her soft and gentle grasp.

Rafael sat up and turned slightly to her. His shoulders hunched and starting to shake, he took a breath as Olivia shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. She clasped his hands in hers and lowered her head to meet his eyes. "You are going to get through this. I promise," she said, giving his hands a gentle shake. "You're very strong, and I know you can do it."

With a tiny shake of his head, and his chin tucked against his chest, he raised his eyes to look into hers. "I don't know."

"Yes, you can. I'll be here to help, in any way you need."

Nodding his head, Rafael leaned into her and buried his head on her shoulder. "Thanks." When she put her arms around him, his shoulders shook as tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Shh, just let it out. Let it all out. It's going to be alright." Olivia patted his back and rocked him as she listened to his quiet cries.

"He forced me to. I didn't want to. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. I hit him with a clock. Then he took it from me and hit me with it over and over. So I just lay there, I couldn't move or do anything."

"It's OK, and it's not your fault. You're safe now."


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia pursed her lips and furrowed her brow as Rafael slid down the bed. When he gasped in pain, she closed her eyes and shook her head. "Here," she said, as she adjusted the pillows under his head. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I just moved the wrong way," he said, holding his left side. When he saw the concerned look on Olivia's face, his eyes darted away from her and he focused his gaze on the ceiling. He pulled down his sleeves to cover the bruises on his wrists and fiddled with his shirt.

He was overwhelmed and Olivia could tell that there was no point in pressuring him to talk any further. "Why don't you just rest a bit? Call me if you need anything," she said as she watched Rafael's knuckles turn white as he gripped the hem of his shirt. The saddest eyes she had ever seen glanced over at her but couldn't look her in the eyes. Olivia stood and handed him the blankets. He seemed to shrink away underneath them. She fussed over him for a moment and pushed the bedside table closer and ensured he could reach it. "I'll just turn the lamp on for you. Here's the button to turn it off if you'd like," she said, tucking the cord under his pillow. "You've got some water…and here's the big pillow if you need it," she said.

"I'll be fine…Thanks." His throat was tight from suppressing more sobs; breaking down in front of Olivia was embarrassing, and he began to regret telling her the most shameful details of his life. As soon as Olivia shut the door and he heard her footsteps move down the hall, he covered his mouth with his hand and felt a burst of air rush from his mouth. The strangled feeling in his throat returned as he stifled his gasps and lost the battle to maintain his composure. He reached for the box of Kleenex that Olivia had kindly placed on the table and dabbed away the tears that rolled down his bruised face.

 _How could I let myself fall apart like that? Grow up already._

The pressure on his backside was becoming too much, so slowly, he shifted further down in bed and lay flat on his back. He reached for some pillows and shoved one under his knees and the other under his bottom. They provided some relief, but Rafael knew that soon enough, he'd be uncomfortable again _._ What a sight he must be he thought; a grown man, lying in bed with a pillow stuffed under his ass.

Humiliation washed over him again. He'd opened himself up to Olivia and gave her a glimpse into the mess that his life was. It did feel good to unload some of the secrets he carried, but he had never intended to let her, or anyone else, see the real person behind the mask that he wore each day to work. He hated the fact that she felt sorry for him, especially considering that she had been through much worse with Lewis. Even though he knew that she would deny it, she had enough issues to deal with and burdening her with his problems wasn't fair.

Weakness was the only reason why he told her anything or asked for her help and if he had been a stronger person, he would have just taken care of the situation himself. He should have left Doug, with no help from anyone, long before the situation became so dangerous. That thought had been reinforced in his mind when he had tried and failed to find many resources available to men who were being abused. He should be able to take care of himself, and the lack of help available to men told him that society agreed. If he had been a stronger person, he never would have allowed Doug to hurt him so badly. And maybe if he hadn't been so weak, Doug would have never wanted to hurt him in the first place.

Without realizing what he was doing, Rafael was turning on himself, just as he had so many times before.

It was his own stupidity that put him in this ridiculous situation, laying in the guestroom of a co-worker and dependent upon her kindness. In his professional life he had always considered himself insightful and a good judge of character. He could spot a lie and a dishonest witness a mile away. He had an ability for reading people and their motivations, but, when it came to his personal life, the knack for seeing people for what they are and understanding their intentions was lost.

Due to the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, Rafael was either suspicious of people, or not suspicious enough. In the past, many of his personal relationships were sabotaged by his inability to trust and his refusal to let people get close to him. He had read enough self-help books to realize that there were many buzz-words and phrases which applied to him; he was emotionally unavailable, had a fear of intimacy, and he had serious issues with trust. He knew that he had driven away more than one partner with his refusal to let them get close and see the real Rafael.

Somehow, through all of his suspicions and trust issues, Doug managed to breech Rafael's personal wall. In hindsight, the signs that Doug would be abusive were there from the beginning; constant phone calls and text messages, his insistence in driving Rafael to and from work, but at the time, Rafael strove to get over his trust issues and allow someone to finally get close. He convinced himself that Doug's controlling ways were signs of love and concern. He snuck under Rafael's normally hypervigilant radar and treaded water until he had him exactly where he wanted him.

Doug was a master at deception and just when Rafael would withdraw, he would back off until his next opportunity to reel Rafael in a little more. Doug sensed Rafael's vulnerability and did everything he needed to in order to get Rafael to trust him. When he was stressed from a hard day at work, Doug would hold him close and rub his back until he relaxed or fell asleep. He would shower him with gifts, some of them expensive, and found ways to make him feel special.

Doug had come along at a rough time in Rafael's life and at first seemed to provide the affection and warmth that he needed. Rafael wasn't all that surprised the first time Doug struck him. He shrugged off the incident when Doug immediately apologised, wrapped his arms around him and stroked his hair. At least Doug apologised, Rafael rationalized at the time.

One night, Doug had surprised him and made his favorite Cuban dish for supper. Later that evening, he revealed that he had secretly gotten the recipe from Rafael's mother, just to make him feel important. Doug had smiled and put his arms around him. "I'd do anything for you." Doug knew that he had gained his trust when Rafael looked up at him and smiled as tears welled in his eyes. Rafael had never felt so special in his whole life and he was in a state of near disbelief that someone would take the time to do something so kind just for him.

The special dinner Doug had prepared made up for the previous day when he had shoved Rafael hard and slapped him across the face. "Get of my way," he had yelled.

"Sorry," sprang out of Rafael's mouth.

"What's wrong with you? You have to learn to stay out of my way when I've had a rough day," Doug told him.

Rafael remembered backing away from Doug and thinking about how he had deserved that for standing in the way. Deep down, it reminded him of his father and if there was one thing that Rafael had wanted desperately, it was approval from him, so when Doug stepped close and pulled him into a hug and apologised, Rafael smiled. "No, no. It was my fault. I know you had a bad day."

As he shifted once again in an attempt to find a more comfortable position, his physical pain brought his mind back to the present. The easiest thing to do and Rafael's natural inclination would be to shut down and leave Olivia alone. His problems weren't her responsibility and he had probably succeeded in making her feel uncomfortable by sharing some of the most disturbing details of his life. He knew that her intentions and concern came from her heart and that she truly cared about his well-being but still, trusting anyone would not be an easy feat for him, and he wasn't sure whether or not he was up to trying. Besides, it was about time that he learned to cope with his situation and handle things as a mature adult.

His reality now was filled with uncertainty. Somehow, he'd have to return to work, find a new place to live and detangle himself from Doug. The possibility of having to face him in court was unbearable. If he decided to testify, he would have to sit and tell the world about what had happened between the two of them and, Rafael knew full well that every colleague of his would learn about the horrific details of his life - if they didn't know already.

Doug was due to be arraigned in the morning, and Rafael wondered which ADA would be assigned his case. Certainly, the news had already travelled around and spread from one colleague to another. There was no way Doug would plead guilty and Rafael knew that he wouldn't take a deal. This whole mess would be dragged out in court for the whole world to see.

Just the thought of seeing Doug again made Rafael's breath quicken and a familiar lump formed in his throat. He heard Olivia as she moved around the apartment and tried his best to choke back the sob that was demanding to be let out. He closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath but a sudden vision of Doug looming over him with an ominous smile on his face flashed in front of him. Rafael gasped and bolted upright, his heart thumped against his ribcage as his chest heaved. Common sense told him that Doug wasn't really there, but he looked around the room anyway, half-expecting to see him emerge from the shadows.

The soft creaking of the floor boards told Rafael that Olivia had heard his sudden cry. He lay down and held his breath while he waited for her to leave. When she knocked softly on the door, Rafael yanked the blankets up, closed his eyes shut and exhaled as quietly as he could. The door opened and he squeezed his eyes shut as he clenched the pillow against him.

"Rafael?" Oliva's voice was as soft as her footsteps as she crossed the room. "Rafael? It's OK. I'm here," she said. She looked down at him and knew instantly that he wasn't asleep. She stood quietly at his bedside and waited to see if he would respond to her.

Rafael kept his eyes shut and maintained his grip on the pillow, hoping that she would think he was sleeping, so that she didn't feel obligated to come and sit with him. Fuck, he thought, now he had disturbed her. Finally, he heard her turn and head towards the door.

"I know the visions and nightmares are terrible, but, eventually they will come less and less, and maybe, they'll even stop," she said softly before she walked out of the room and gently closed the door.


	11. Chapter 11

Rafael waited until Olivia left the room and shut his door before he put his hand to his mouth and bit down on his fist, desperate to contain the sob which had been forming in his throat. He wanted to call Olivia and feel her arms around him and let her comfort him. He wanted to scream out and beg for help, to tell her everything that Doug had said and done and the things he threatened to do. Instead, Rafael's mouth closed around the knuckle on his thumb, his teeth bit down, hard, until his self-inflicted physical pain overpowered his emotional distress. He flattened his hand and placed it over his mouth, stifling the gasps which came from so deep within him that his stomach rose and collapsed with such force that he was soon gagging and short of breath.

Rafael sat doubled over with a pillow on his lap and covered his mouth with his hands, desperate to catch his breath, and to supress the urge to vomit. Clutching the pillow he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, ragged breath. He buried his face in his hands, hoping that Olivia hadn't overheard him. When his breath finally slowed, he eased himself back into bed and shivered.

Olivia woke from her tenuous sleep and listened to the sounds of muffled moans coming from Rafael's room. Her heart broke for him, she said a quick prayer that he would trust her enough to let her help him. He had been a rock for her during the Lewis ordeal, and now she wanted to help him. She sighed and thought of getting out of bed to check on him, but his room was quiet, so she lay back down and tried to sleep.

It was impossible for Rafael to turn off the random, frightening thoughts that intruded his mind. He took some deep breaths and tried to concentrate on anything but Doug, but his attempts to relax and fall asleep were futile. As soon as his eyes were shut his mind raced with both worry about the future and nightmares from the past. "Go away," he whispered in the darkness at the memory of Doug's evil smile. Rafael clasped his hands to his ears and shook his head.

Rafael shuddered and curled up, hoping and praying that Doug would be remanded in the morning. If he wasn't, Rafael decided that he would have to find a hotel room immediately; there was no way he was going to risk having Doug show up at Olivia's, and thereby putting both her and Noah in harm's way. He turned his head and looked at the travel clock Olivia had set out for him on the table. It was nearly 3:30 am already and Doug was due at arraignment before lunch.

Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, he was jolted by a spasm that jerked his entire body, making him feel as though he was falling. Sweating, panting, and wide awake, he leaned over and flicked on the light. There was no way he'd get any decent amount of sleep.

He rolled out of bed to refill his glass of water. "Fuck!" he mumbled, clutching his side as he fell back to the bed. When the wave of pain subsided, he stood and shuffled out of the room and down the hall towards the kitchen. When the light suddenly turned on behind him, Rafael nearly dropped the glass.

"Are you alright?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. I just need a drink," he said, pointing to the empty glass in his hand.

"I'll get you some water," Olivia said. She took the glass from his hand and filled it from the filtered jug in the fridge. "How's your pain level?"

"The same. It's worse if I move around. But my ribs, sometimes just breathing is torture."

"Let's go and get you comfortable."

Rafael nodded and turned to head back to the bedroom. Olivia walked slowly beside him, holding the glass, and touching his shoulder every few steps.

"Olivia…" Rafael said as he carefully positioned himself on his side.

"Do you need another pillow?"

"No." He quickly looked away and wiped his suddenly moist eyes. "I'm sorry I woke you. I know you had a long day too."

"No, that's OK. Now, what was bothering you? Can you talk about it?"

"It's everything. I'm worried about the arraignment. I'm practically homeless, and I've missed so much work. I don't know where half of my stuff is. How am I going to face the DA and my colleagues again? Then I start remembering things from the past, lots of things from my past. I close my eyes, and sometimes…he's just there. His face is right there." Rafael held his hand in front of his face and looked up at Olivia, knowing that she would understand. "He's hurting me all over again, saying those things to me. It's all just…too much. It's too overwhelming, and I don't know where to start. Like, I want to get over this, but what do I do first? Do I get my stuff that's still at his place? Or, should I go back to work soon? I don't know what to do. There's about a million things I have to do, but I have no idea where to start. I feel...lost. Like I'm lost in the middle of a snowstorm and I can't see anything in front of me."

"I know…You'll have to put your whole life back together." Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his shoulders.

"Do you want to know what the scariest thing is?"

"What's that?"

"Knowing how you're going to die, but not when."

"What do you mean?"

"He told me what he'd do. He has it all planned out, he even told me what he'd do with my body so that no one will ever find it."

"What?"

"He said he'd kill me. When I told him that it was over, he said that it's up to him to decide when it's over. He has a cabin out of town. He said that when it's over, he'd kill me and dump me in the lake, where no one would ever find me. He has it all planned out, all of the details, he told me exactly what he'd do and how."

"When did he tell you that?"

"Awhile ago, and again the other night. After he texted with you."

"Rafael, he said those things just to scare you."

"No. He wasn't kidding around. I could tell he was serious." Rafael looked up to her face and bit his lip.

"He was trying to scare you."

"Come on. I saw the look on your face when I told you what he said. Your face just changed," Rafael said, wiping his hand in front of his face. "You know that's how I'll end up. It's my fate, deep down, I know it is." He looked up and pressed his lips together, his eyes filled with worry. "I just know it. One way or another, I guess I always knew he'll end up killing me. I've tried to deny that, but I know it's the truth."

The calm and steady manner in which Rafael spoke sent chills through Olivia. She stared at him, shocked, and her hand came to a rest on his shoulder as she absorbed his words.

Rafael shrugged and sighed. "I don't want to end up like that."

"I'm going to make sure that never happens," she said, rubbing his shoulder again. "You need help to get through all of this. You can't do it on your own."

"I know. But, I don't even know where to start."

"Rafael, you're exhausted. You won't be able to think straight until you get some sleep."

"Yeah." He nodded as Olivia's hand rubbed his shoulder. So different than Doug, who would grip him and dig his fingers in until he left a bruise. Rafael flinched and concentrated on Olivia's gentle touch and pushed thoughts of Doug out of his mind.

"You're going to be OK, Rafael," she whispered. "You'll get through this."

"I don't know…after everything that's happened to me?"

"Rafael, think of the boy that you were, and you survived your father's abuse. That must have been so hard. That little boy survived, and grew up and went to Harvard, and now he helps other people. You were strong then, and you're just as strong now."

"I just don't know if I have the energy to go through with everything. I'm so tired, it's so much stress, and I can't even think."

"Rafael. It's all very fresh. You have been through a lot. You're tired physically and emotionally. You're in pain physically and emotionally. Right now, you need to rest and look after yourself. You've barely eaten, you've barely slept. You can't be expected to be making serious decisions right now, you just need to concentrate on getting well and getting through the next few days and weeks."

"How am I going to do that? How am I going to get through this?"

"By letting a friend help, Rafael."

The corners of his mouth twitched as he licked his lips. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Try and get some rest," Olivia said, whispering to him and stroking his arm. "Just close your eyes. I'll be right in the next room if you need anything."

"Thanks," he whispered back. He closed his eyes and his mind finally calmed enough to let him sleep.

* * *

Olivia stifled her yawn as she lay Noah down for his after lunch nap. She reached out and gently tousled his hair. "Have a good nap, buddy." Smiling, she watched as Noah cooed drowsily and closed his eyes, and settled in for a sleep. She turned and tiptoed out of his room and headed to the living room, where her phone had just began to vibrate.

It was Fin. Olivia read his message and sighed. "Ok, thanks," she texted him in return. She walked back down the hall and stood outside of Rafael's door, listening for signs of life from the room and hoping that he got at least a little sleep. She knocked quietly on the door.

"Come in."

"Hey," Olivia said. "How are you doing?"

"Good. I just woke up." He put his hand to his forehead and rubbed his eyes, a tiny smile appearing on his face. Nervously, he looked at the clock, it was 12:54. "I slept a few hours at least," he said.

"Rafael." Olivia crossed the room and sat down beside the bed.

Rafael nervously twisted the blanket in his hands and looked up at Olivia. He studied the serious expression on her face and frowned. "He's out, isn't he?"

"Yeah. He made bail. I'm so sorry. The DA will call you later, he has my number, since your phone is still at the lab."

"How did you find out?"

"Fin was there."

"Fin? Oh great."

"The whole thing came across his desk, Rafael. I know you didn't want that, but Fin's a good guy. Doug's out, but -"

"Oh God. He's out. I knew it." Rafael sat up in bed and looked over at Olivia, his eyes wide with fear, and his heart starting to race. "I promise, I'll find a hotel. I have to get out of here. He'll come looking for me, I just know it. I don't want him finding me here."

"He's not going to find you."

"Yes he will. He knows you and I are friends. He'll find me here."

"Rafael, calm down. You're in no shape to be on your own."

"I'll be fine. Olivia, I have to move on anyway…I can't stay here forever."

"Just stay for today then Then we can talk about it. Just try and relax for now."

Rafael sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "I don't even have my phone…I need my phone to look for a hotel."

"How about it? I have the day off today, I'll be here all day with you. Just stay for today, then, if you still want to go, I'll help you look for a hotel tomorrow. How does that sound?"

"He's going to start looking for me now. He won't wait. He probably already is…"

"Rafael, just slow down. No, he won't find you. I promise. He won't know where you are."

"This is all too much to ask. I can't put you and Noah in jeopardy because of me."

"We're going to be fine. He's not going to do anything. He won't find you here."

"Olivia, can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I don't know if all of this is worth it. I'm in over my head. I'm scared of what he's going to do. Maybe I should just retract my statement. Maybe I should just forget about all of this." Rafael lifted his hands to his head and ran his fingers through his hair. The bruises on his wrists and forearms appeared as Rafael's sleeves rode up his arms. "My career will be over, but it might be already." He dropped his arms and clasped his hands together.

Oliva pulled the chair in front of him and took his hands. "Look, Rafael," she said, holding his hands. She pushed one sleeve up, and then the other. "Look at what he did," she said, pointing to his bruised forearms. "What are these from?"

Rafael lowered his head and sniffled. "From him."

"Yes, but how did you get them? What did he do?"

"I told you already."

"Tell me again."

"He held me down."

"Yes. He beat you up, he held you down, and then he raped you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think that if you retract your statement that you'll be safe? Do you think he'd stop hurting you if you did that?"

"No."

"Look at what he did to you, Rafael. Look at the bruises he gave you. Do you think he should get away with what he did?"

"No…but what if nothing happens to him? He hasn't been indicted, and even if he is, he might not be convicted…then what? He's free and I testified against him? He'd never stop stalking me. He's going to be so mad. He's going to get me no matter what I do," Rafael rambled.

"Rafael, take a deep breath." Olivia held his hands. "He's not going to get you. He'll never hurt you again. He's out on bail. The DA is taking this to the grand jury. I don't think he's going to risk anything."

"Maybe."

"Stay for today. You need to rest and eat. You don't need the stress of packing and staying in a hotel right now. Wait and see how you feel tomorrow, alright?"

He sighed and nodded. "I should be happy that they are going to the grand jury, and I hope they indict him…but I'm more scared than anything…I don't know how all those people do it. I don't know how I'm going to do it…sit up there and tell everyone the things he did. I don't want people looking at me differently, knowing what happened. It was hard to tell you. If it goes to trial, some of the details…are so humiliating...Olivia, there's stuff he did to me, I can't even think about it. As soon as I remember, I force it out of my mind."

"I know." Olivia looked at him sadly. "Do you want to try telling me about the details that you're going to have to talk about in court? Maybe it would help to talk if you have to testify?"

"I guess."

Rafael sighed and sucked in his lips to keep them from quivering. He looked around the room and back at Olivia's eyes and the slight, warm smile on her face, as she nodded her head in a show of encouragement. Rafael nodded back and focused his eyes on hers.

"Can you tell me what happened?"


	12. Chapter 12

Rafael sighed and stared down at his hands twisting in his lap as he cracked his knuckles. He shook his head shook slightly and raised his eyes to focus on Olivia. With his head bowed, he took a deep breath and licked his lips nervously as he looked back and forth between his hands and Olivia. "He pushed me to the bed, pulled my pants off and got on top of me. I was lying on my back, he said that he wanted to see my face…he forced my legs apart…" Rafael's voice trailed off and he looked down at his hands. He squeezed his fingers together and then pulled on them, one by one, starting with his pinky on his right hand, watching as a small gap in his knuckle appeared and then disappear as he let go. He had nearly worked through both hands when a voice distracted him and brought him back to the moment.

"He wanted to see your face?"

"Yeah."

"Did he say why?"

Rafael lifted his head and looked back up at Olivia. She smiled sadly at him and nodded her head in encouragement. _"You can do this,"_ she mouthed.

"Yeah. He said he wanted to see the look on my face when he…umm, put it inside of me," Rafael said. His voice wavered and rose so that his statement sounded like a question. He cleared his throat, shifted in his seat, and picked at the material of his pants. His hand squeezed his thigh and he pinched himself, still in shock that he would ever find himself in this situation and hating this moment more than anything he could think of.

"Put what inside you?"

The question posed made Rafael snap his head up. He slowly let out his breath and looked into Olivia's eyes. "His penis."

"Did you tell him to stop? Did you say 'no'?

"I begged him..." Rafael tensed and his leg began to shake when he heard a loud, exasperated sigh. His eyes darted over to Doug, who threw his hands up in the air and shook his head. He leaned over to whisper something to his lawyer, John Buchanan, who nodded back to him and patted his back. From the witness stand, Rafael turned his head and looked over at Olivia, sitting next to Fin in the first row of the gallery. He concentrated on Olivia and tried to block out the rest of the world. "I begged him to stop," he said, closing his eyes when Doug sighed again.

"Did he stop?"

"No."

"What happened then?" Julien Isford, the attorney prosecuting the case asked.

"I tried to get away." Rafael's eyes drifted between Doug, who sat leaning forward in his chair and tapping the table in front of him, and Olivia, who turned and glared in Doug's direction.

"How did you try to get away?"

"I hit him in the head with a clock. But he grabbed it from me, and hit me, several times in the side of my head."

"Is this the clock?" Isford asked, holding a clear plastic bag containing the broken alarm clock.

"Yes."

"And what is this a picture of?"

"My head injury."

"What happened after he hit you with the clock?"

"He got back on top of me and finished…raping me. I tried to get him off of me, but I couldn't. I begged him, but he wouldn't stop." His eyes widened as he recalled Doug pinning him to the bed and climbing on top of him. He stared ahead and felt the corners of his lips twitch into a frown as Doug muttered something to his Buchanan.

"What happened after he raped you?"

"He got off of me. He went to the washroom, and then he used my phone. He pretended to be me, and texted with Sergeant Benson. I was supposed to meet her for breakfast the next morning."

"So, after he texted with Sergeant Benson, pretending to be you, what happened?"

"He came back to the bed…and pushed me over...he did it again." Rafael squeezed his eyes shut and quickly rubbed away a tear that formed in his eye. He couldn't believe how he was falling apart on the stand the way he was. The words which usually flowed so eloquently from his mouth were now stilted as he struggled to tell his story.

"What did he do again?"

Rafael shook his head in disbelief, having already forgotten the question posed to him. "Sorry?"

"You said he came to the bed and pushed you over. Then what happened?"

"He did it again," Rafael whispered. "He raped me again," he said, louder. His leg was shaking so badly, he worried that his whole body would tremble along with it. He pressed his heel into the floor to stop his knee from vibrating and looked around at the silent courtroom, knowing that every single person sitting there now knew the details of some of the most private and humiliating moments of his life.

"How many times did that happen that night?"

"I don't know, I mean, two times, at least." Rafael shuddered as he caught a glimpse of Doug, sitting with his chin in his hand staring at him. He raised his eyebrows, winked at Rafael, and grinned. Rafael's eyes widened when he saw the same smile that Doug had on his face when he had held him down and forced himself on him. He couldn't take his eyes off of Doug and watched in disbelief as the evil smile broadened even further. When Doug saw Rafael's shocked reaction, he lowered his face into his hand and covered his mouth.

"Why don't you know?"

Rafael forced himself to look away from Doug, who was clearly trying to derail any amount of confidence he had. "I was in and out of awareness…I woke up with him on top of me another time, but I don't remember what happened."

"What is the next thing you remember?"

"Him pulling me out of bed. He tried to get me to leave with him, to go home with him. When I wouldn't, he attacked me. The last I remember is laying on the floor. I woke up and he wasn't there. I must have passed out again, because the next thing that happened, was Sergeant Benson waking me up."

"And after that you were taken to the hospital. You suffered some horrendous injuries that night, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"In fact, you required 12 stiches on the side of your head, you suffered three broken ribs, a concussion, multiple haematomas – to your legs, arms, abdomen, face, and back – and, internal injuries caused by the sexual assault, or I should say, multiple sexual assaults. That's on top of the emotional distress and the previous injuries, including partially healed broken ribs and a skull fracture that you sustained at the hands of Mr. Harte."

"Yes, I was in pain for weeks after, and I still haven't been able to return to work. I have nightmares and panic attacks…flashbacks. I have to take pills to help me sleep. I was recently diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and I have anxiety related stomach issues. I have a new apartment, which I haven't even stayed in for more than a day or two at a time."

"Why haven't you been able to properly settle into your new residence?"

"Because I'm afraid that he will find out where I live. I have nightmares that he will find me and do something again."

"Would you say that you have been, and are now, afraid for your life?"

"Yes, at times, yes."

"Thank you, Mr. Barba."

Rafael nodded his head and felt his face flush as John Buchanan pushed his chair back and rose from his seat and stood in front of the witness stand.

"That's tragic, to live in fear, to have to cope with anxiety and nightmares, so much so that you haven't been able to work. I'm so sorry to hear that. Mr. Barba, how would you describe your feelings when you first saw my client outside of the restaurant on that day?"

"I was shocked."

"Shocked? Anything else?"

"I was afraid that -"

"Afraid? So you would say that you were scared, frightened?"

"Yes. Yes, I was afraid." Rafael looked over to the defence stand at Doug, who sat and glared at him.

"You had a restraining order against my client on the night that you were allegedly attacked by him. Is that correct?"

"Well, it's not 'alleged'. He attacked me."

"Just answer the question, please."

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, I had a restraining order against him."

"OK. Just to be clear, you were so afraid of my client, that on the day you encountered him, you had a restraining order against him in effect. Is that accurate?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Barba, do you look afraid here?" Buchanan asked as he flicked on the courtroom's television and played a hotel security video of Rafael and Doug walking through the hotel lobby together.

"I guess not. No."

"Whose idea was it for him to come to your hotel room?"

"I asked him to come up."

"Oh that's right. I thought you were afraid of my client?"

"I was."

"But you weren't too frightened to invite him up to your hotel room?"

"I was afraid, at first, but then we talked and I thought - "

"That's a yes or no question, Mr. Barba. You weren't too frightened to invite Mr. Harte up to your hotel room, were you?"

"No, but I - "

"So you weren't all that frightened then were you? Despite the fact that you had an active restraining order against him at the time, you extended the invitation to him. It wasn't Mr. Harte's idea to come to your hotel room was it?"

"No."

"So, just so everyone understands, it was your idea to invite Mr. Harte up to your hotel room?"

"I already said yes, it was my idea."

"And, that was after he bought your lunch, took you for coffee, and bought you dinner from a take-out restaurant. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Why did you invite him to your hotel room?"

"To talk."

"To talk? You didn't have enough time to talk while the two of you had coffee?"

Rafael shook his head and sighed. "I guess not, no."

"Did you have any other…motivation for asking Mr. Harte back to your room?"

"Motivation? No…I just wanted to talk."

"Isn't it a bit unusual to go to a hotel room to talk? I mean…a hotel room. Does that not usually imply something else?" Buchanan asked with a slight laugh.

"I don't know. He's the one who had other intentions. I only wanted to talk. Nothing more. I made that clear."

"Did you now? Alright, what happened when you got up to the room?"

"We ate dinner."

"From the take out?"

"Yes. From the take out."

"Then what happened?"

"He attacked me."

"So right after dinner, my client just suddenly attacked you?"

"Yeah. I tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn't. Then I stood up, but he pulled me down to the couch."

"Is that when you assaulted my client by hitting him in the stomach with your elbow?"

"I was defending myself."

"Had he hurt you before that, on that day?"

"He pulled me to the couch and wouldn't let me go. He had grabbed my face and twisted my head to him."

"So, he had his arms around you and then you elbowed him in the stomach?"

"Yes."

"So then, you assaulted my client before he had done anything to hurt you, aside from pull you down to the couch?"

"I was trying to get away from him."

"OK, then what?"

"I got up and he came after me. He threw me to the bed."

"Really? So he just picked you up and threw you to the bed?"

"Yes."

"He must be pretty strong, if he could pick up a man of your size and just throw you around. What did he do? Just pick you up in the air and toss you?"

"He put his arms around my waist and spun me around. I landed on the bed."

"How much do you weigh?"

"155, 160."

"So he just picked up 155 or 160 pounds and threw you to the bed?"

"That's what happened."

"What happened after he tossed you to the bed?"

"He wanted me to take off my pants. I tried to get away, but he punched me in the stomach, pushed me to the bed and pulled off my clothes. Then he began to rape me."

"Is that when you hit him with the alarm clock?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"To stop him. He wouldn't get off of me."

"And you're certain that it wasn't just rough sex?"

"No…it wasn't…Yes, I'm sure. It wasn't rough sex."

"Ok, OK. It was just a question. My client says that the two of you were engaging in rough sex, when you suddenly attacked him. The truth is, you were the first one to assault him. First by hitting him with your elbow, and then with the alarm clock."

"No. He wouldn't let me go. I was trying to get away from him."

"So after that was over, he got off of you, he moved about the room, went to the washroom, and left you on the bed? Did he restrain you in any way?"

"No."

"So if you had just been raped, by a man that you were frightened of, and he left the room, why didn't you leave? You had time to get away, but didn't? Or, were you just engaged in some sort of role play at the time? Role play, maybe, even a rape fantasy, that maybe got a little out of hand and now you regret it?"

"No, it wasn't role play. I couldn't move. I tried…I just couldn't…" He choked back the lump in his throat and looked up at Olivia.

"I can see this is difficult for you. I have just a few more questions."

"Are you able to proceed, Mr. Barba?" the judge asked.

"Yes."

"What kind of relationship did you have with your father?"

"Objection. Relevance?" Isford asked from the prosecution table.

"A little lee-way, please your honor? This lends itself to the scope of events of the night in question, and is essential in my clients defence."

"Proceed, with caution. You may answer the question, Mr. Barba."

"It was…difficult. I don't see what that has to do with anything." A puzzled look crossed Rafael's face. He frowned and lowered his head to avoid Olivia's eyes on him.

"Did you complain to my client, that your father abused you when you were a child?"

"Yes…yes, I told him that my father could be violent." When he finally raised his eyes and saw Olivia shake her head he lowered his chin to his chest and stared at the floor.

"Is it true that you told Mr. Harte, on more than one occasion, that sometimes you confused affection and violence? That, sometimes, you flinched or became, and I quote, 'paranoid' when someone made a sudden movement towards you?"

"Yes."

"Do you think that because of the abuse you suffered in the past, that there is a chance that your perceptions of what happened that night might be off? That perhaps, you and Mr. Harte got into a physical altercation which unfortunately, got out of control? And that you overreacted to his touch when you elbowed him in the stomach when you thought he was trying to hold you against your will? Do you think that maybe, he was only trying to comfort you?"

"No."

"But, just as a reminder, to us all, you were the one who invited Mr. Harte up to your hotel room that night, and you weren't really as afraid of him as you would have liked us all to believe?"

"What?" Rafael asked, shaking his head and looking from Buchanan to the jury.

"Thank-you, no further questions."

* * *

Rafael stood close to Olivia while they waited for a table at the Italian restaurant near the courthouse. "That was brutal." He put his hands to his face and groaned. "I'm dizzy. My head is spinning."

Olivia put her arm around him and motioned to Fin. "He's dizzy," she said, as Fin stepped in between them and put his arm around Rafael's back. "Take a breath, Rafael," Olivia instructed as she pushed a chair behind him.

"Sit down a minute," Fin said.

"When is the last time you ate?" Olivia asked. "And I don't mean a couple of bites of Cheerios."

"Yesterday, at supper." Rafael glanced at Fin who stood with his arms extended towards him. "I'm fine now," he said. He sighed and dragged his hands down his face slowly, embarrassed yet again. "I'm OK."

"You're sure?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"I'll go check on our table," Fin said, turning away after Olivia nodded at him.

"I think that you should spend the night at my place. I don't think being by yourself is a good idea while the trial is on."

"Olivia, I can't…I have to grow up."

"You are grown up," she insisted while Fin went to talk to the restaurant host. "The trial is a lot of stress on you. Just stay until it's over. Then, try and ease back into your place, little by little. How does that sound?"

"I guess. I just mean, that you've done so much for me already."

"Rafael, that's OK. Now, let's go have dinner. Looks like our table is ready, and you need to eat. I insist."

"Thanks for coming today," Rafael said after they were seated and the waiter took their orders. "I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me that you both came to support me. I don't think I would have made it through the day without you."

"That's what friends do for each other."

"Liv's right, we've got your back. So does the whole squad. I just hope they put away that scumbag."

"Thanks."

"And Buchanan," Olivia added. "He was getting on my nerves."

"He's a piece of work. He's scum, like his client," Fin said.

"He's a good lawyer though," Rafael said softly. "He was tough."

"He wasn't playing fair," Olivia said.

"It's not his job to play fair. I sounded like an idiot up there. I saw the way the jury was looking at me. They don't believe me. It all sounds so stupid."

"No, that's not true." Olivia looked up and smiled at the waiter as he set their dinners on the table. "Thank-you. Yours looks good," she said to Rafael, watching him as he stared at the meal in front of him.

"Thank-you," he mumbled to the waiter. He looked across the table at Olivia cast his eyes back down at his dinner which Olivia insisted he order.

"You did good," Olivia said. She thanked the waiter again and cut into her steak sandwich. "It'll be over soon."

Rafael shrugged and forced himself to take a bite of the steaming penne. "It's brutal. Telling everyone what happened. How he…you know. I hate even saying it. It's so humiliating." He lowered his head and sighed. "What if none of this is even worth it?"

"It is worth it. I know you feel humiliated, but you got through it," Olivia said. "You must feel a bit better now?"

"He kept looking me. He _smiled_ at me." Rafael sighed and held his shaking hand to his forehead. "I know he was trying to intimidate me. It worked. His smile…he doesn't care about what's going on. He thinks this is all no big deal. He thinks he's going to be vindicated. And, you know what? I think he's going to win. I just know it. I know him, and I know what he's like. He always wins. No matter what."

"Don't let him intimidate you. You what he's trying to do, don't let him."

"Guys like him, they'll use whatever tactic they can. I know it's not easy, but try not to let him get to you." Fin said.

"I know." Rafael took another few bites of his supper and pushed the plate away. "I just can't right now. My stomach is in knots." He looked over at Olivia, knowing he'd face a disapproving look and sighed. "Really, Olivia. I feel a bit sick."

"You can get it to take home"

"Guys, I'm out of here. See you tomorrow," Fin said. He stood and patted Rafael's shoulder. "They're gonna nail this creep. Don't worry."

"Thanks, Fin," Olivia said.

"Yeah, Fin, thanks a lot for all your help." Rafael asked Olivia when Fin walked away. "I have an appointment in an hour. I had better get going too."

"How is your counselling going?"

Rafael laughed. "Well, let's just say my therapist probably has a lifetime of material to work with."

"It must be helping somewhat at least?"

"Yeah, it is. I guess it'll all take time."

"It will take time."

"He thinks it'll be a while before I can go back to work. And, when I do go back, he thinks I should maybe go part time. I don't know how that'll ever work."

"It'll work out. Don't focus on that right now. Just concentrate on getting through the rest of the trial. I have to head back to the precinct for a couple of hours. Give me a call when you're all done with your appointment, and I'll swing by and pick you up."

"Thanks. I meant what I said earlier. I really appreciate everything. It's not easy for me to accept help from people. My therapist says I need to work on that too."

"That's a great start. A really great start."


	13. Chapter 13

Rafael stood in the crowded elevator as his heart began to thud. Counting to ten, he tapped his foot, and clenched his fists in his coat pockets as the elevator slowly ascended. It was as though all eyes were on him, staring, penetrating, and knowing what he had revealed to the world hours earlier.

"Excuse me," Rafael mumbled, as he weaved his way through the group of people when the doors finally opened on the 23rd floor. He side-stepped his way past the opened doors and headed down the long, narrow hallway to the office of his therapist.

Therapy was the last thing that Rafael ever saw himself taking part in but, with the dramatic turn his life had taken, and at Olivia's urging, even he had to admit that it was helping, somewhat. Although it was good to have someone objective to talk to, going to counseling wasn't the easiest decision. In the environment in which he was raised, talking about problems was considered weak, and if there was one thing that Rafael hated, it was showing weakness.

He reached his therapist's office and took a deep breath before he opened the door. Until today, no one, aside from Olivia knew he was in therapy, it was yet another embarrassing detail he was forced to reveal during his testimony. He exhaled and reached for the door handle, knowing that despite his upbringing, therapy and the chance to talk about his problems was doing some good. As he opened the door, he pushed the image of his disapproving parents out of his mind, and vowed never to tell his mother about any of this.

"So, you survived court today," Dr. Wiebe, the portly, white-haired man with a warm smile, said. With his shoulder-length hair, beard that reached his collar bone, and sparkling blue eyes, he reminded Rafael of Santa Claus. "You didn't think you would," the doctor added, standing to pour a glass of water for Rafael and placing it on the coffee table.

"Barely." A gush of air came from the soft, leather chair when Rafael sat down. He leaned forward and took a sip of water. "Thanks."

Dr. Wiebe nodded and sat in the chair across from Rafael. "Barely?" he asked, raising his bushy eyebrows, deepening the creases in his forehead.

"Yeah." Rafael squinted and turned his head away from the harsh glare of the sun as it streamed through the half-opened slats of the venetian blinds.

"Why barely?" Dr. Wiebe asked as he walked over to the window to close the blinds. "What was the hardest part?" he asked, pulling the cord and smoothing out the slats.

"All of those people sitting there listening…watching me fall apart."

"You fell apart? Did you break down on the stand?"

"Sort of. My leg wouldn't stop shaking. I could barely answer some of the questions. Everything I said came out wrong."

"How is that?"

"When Buchanan started questioning me I was blindsided. He asked why I let Doug up to my room if I was so afraid of him. I got flustered. The way he posed his questions made it sound like it was my fault, or at least, partially my fault. He said that it was all just some sort of role-play or rape fantasy that got out of hand. You know, rough sex that I regretted the next day. He even brought up my father. That shouldn't have surprised me, but it did."

"What did he say about your father?"

"That because he was violent, I misinterpreted everything and I over-reacted to the role-play. And now," Rafael sighed, "Olivia knows about my father too, as does everyone else sitting there today. I didn't need everyone knowing that," he said, frowning as his eyes darted up at therapist and then across the room to the shuttered window.

"So you never told Olivia about the violence in your home?"

"I did, but I didn't get into details, how he'd hit me, call me names, make me feel worthless...I've told her enough already. I guess I just wanted to keep that private. She feels bad enough for me as it is."

"As difficult as it was, you got through it."

Rafael nodded and bit his lip. "I guess…I should have known better though. People were wrong about the whole thing."

"Who was wrong?"

"Everyone. The police, Fin, and I hate to say it, even Oliva. They all said I'd feel better after testifying…that it would feel good to tell my story and accuse him in court," Rafael said. "I wish I hadn't. I don't feel liberated at all," he said with a heavy sigh.

"You expected to feel liberated?"

"Somewhat. Olivia kept telling me how brave I was to face him and that I'd feel better. But I don't. I feel worse."

"Do you think that maybe it'll take some time before you feel better?" Dr. Wiebe asked. "Your testimony only ended a few hours ago. I think you need to give yourself some time to let everything sink in. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Maybe…but it's been two months since that night and I really don't feel like I'm progressing at all. Look at me. I'm a grown man, I have nightmares, I'm still not back at work…I can't even spend the night alone in my own home without panicking."

"It's not an easy fix, Rafael. And you have progressed. A month ago, you didn't have your own apartment. You have spent the night alone, you had a panic attack, but, you survived and made it through the night, and, you will again. You've got a plan to return to work. Only a month ago, you couldn't see yourself ever going back."

"I should have moved out and tried to forget about it and just go on with life. But now, everyone knows what happened," Rafael said. He reached for the box of tissues on the table and wiped his eyes. "It's not something I want the world to know about," he said, his voice cracking as he spoke.

"Of course not," Dr. Wiebe said softly. He sat back and waited while Rafael dabbed at his eyes and regained his composure.

Rafael turned his head and gazed at the window. "I'm afraid he's going to win," he said, his eyes widening at the thought.

"And if he does win, what does that mean for you?"

"Do you want the truth, or what I tell everyone?"

"The truth."

"The truth is, I think you're looking at a dead man. He told me what he'd do and how. There's no reason for me to doubt him…he doesn't make empty threats."

"So what is it that you tell everyone?"

"What they want to hear." Rafael picked up his glass and drank the rest of the water. "How I'll deal with whatever happens. It's getting better every day. You know, the one day at a time bullshit," he said, holding the empty glass in his hand. "It makes people happy when I say that. I don't want people to worry, especially Olivia. She worries too much as it is. It made her really uncomfortable when I told her what he said he'd do."

Dr. Wiebe leaned forward and took the glass from Rafael's hand. "You almost sound resigned," Dr. Wiebe said as he filled Rafael's glass. "As if it's a fact that he's going to kill you."

"Is that how I sound? I guess you're right. I've thought for a long time that he's going to kill me one day. I don't know if people believe me or not. I think that Olivia thinks I'm crazy. She says Doug won't come near me again, or at least that's what she says…I saw the look on her face when I told her what he said he'd do," Rafael said. "Maybe she says he won't to make me feel better. Or maybe she knows he's serious, I don't know," Rafael said with a shrug.

"You were with Doug for five years, and you lived with him for four?"

"Yeah."

"And he began to threaten your life in the last year?"

"Umm…well I guess in the last couple of years. More so in the last year. Things started to go really bad after about a year. Just after I moved in with him. At first, he'd slap and push me, call me names and yell. From there, it got worse and worse. He'd choke me, hit me with his fists, kick me, toss me around...sometimes it was so bad I missed work. I always made him so mad."

"What kinds of things made him angry?"

"In the last year, almost anything I did or said."

"Such as? Can you think of an example?"

"Umm, well, not long before I left, he beat the hell out of me because he found Fin's glove in my car. I tried to tell him that I'd only given him a ride to the courthouse. But Doug didn't believe me because he saw us having lunch before…he went crazy. That was one of the times where I thought he was going to kill me. But honestly, anything could set him off. Even if I had a stomach ache and couldn't eat, he'd be mad. I tried so hard not to aggravate him, but it didn't matter," Rafael said. He shook his head and looked up at Dr. Wiebe. "If I was being 'too nice' then he just thought I was up to something. It got crazy."

"That sounds pretty stressful."

"Yeah. And on top of all that, I lied to a lot of people to cover everything up too, I'm not proud of that, but I just didn't want anyone knowing."

"Who did you lie to?"

"My boss, my mother, Olivia, other co-workers of mine, even my grandmother when she was alive. I'm still lying to my mother. She knows I moved out of Doug's, but she thinks we just broke up. She's happy about that I think, because I know she'd rather see me with a woman anyway. She knows I'm off work right now, but that's because I told her I'm on a sabbatical, so another lie," Rafael said with a long sigh. "But, I can't have her finding all of this out, even coming here to see you, she'd think I must be crazy to see a shrink. Besides, I can't add to her problems, she's still really stressed from the death of my grandmother."

"How did you cope with all of that? The abuse and your efforts to hide it?"

"The best way I could. I ignored it. I put on my suits, went to work, and acted like an ass so people would leave me alone. I went home, got hit sometimes, poured myself a scotch, and closed my eyes when he crawled into bed beside me. Probably not the best way to handle things, hey?" Rafael shrugged and looked away.

"You drank?"

"Yeah. Too much probably. To numb it all. Expensive scotch to go with my suits. That way, no one would ever suspect. People thought I had good taste," Rafael said, running his hands through his hair and looking back at Dr. Wiebe. "I'd put on those suits and underneath, I'd have bruises all over. But, no one ever suspected that anything was wrong. I was good at hiding it all."

"It's not your fault. You have far more than your fair share of crosses to bear. You have to learn to trust people, and to let them help you because they want to help. You deserve to have someone in your corner and you have to be able to confide in someone. None of this is on you."

"I don't know about that," Rafael said. "I shouldn't have stayed with him for so long. I should have left a long time ago. That part is on me." He drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair and shook his head. "How can I call myself a man and be afraid all the time? I feel like I'll never get over this. I'm a coward," he said, his voice cracking. His mouth twitched into a frown as he shook his head and turned to avoid the watchful eyes of Dr. Wiebe.

"No, you're most definitely not a coward. I'm quite sure that anyone who had to deal with a guy like Doug would be afraid."

"Well how do I get over it?"

"You're not going to, and you shouldn't expect to. But, you're going to recover and learn how to live with what has happened to you. Let me ask you this, if there was one thing you could change about your current situation, what would it be?"

"I wish I could sleep. Maybe I could deal with everything else if I wasn't so damn tired all the time. And for the nightmares to stop."

"Have they subsided at all?"

"A little, but not completely. It's been almost two months and I still have nightmares. Sometimes I think I see him. If I'm at home, I start to panic because I'm alone and I think he's right there, and if I'm at Olivia's, I just try to supress it all. I can't keep breaking down like a baby in front of her. I'm jumpy…I keep reliving things. It's like I've lost control. So, I just try and stay awake until I pass out from exhaustion, but most nights, I can't sleep for long. The pills are helping, but still, I rarely feel rested. I'm always so tired."

"Do you ever talk to Olivia about your nightmares and panic attacks?"

"At first. Not anymore though."

"Why not?"

"I guess I just hate bothering her about it. She works, she's a mother and she went through worse with William Lewis - "

"That's the man that kidnapped her?"

"Yes. She went through worse, and here I am, barely able to function, barely able to eat or sleep. It's enough that she lets me stay over. I just can't burden her with what's inside my head, and I don't want to rekindle all of the horrible things that happened to her by talking about my problems."

"Why do you think she went through worse?"

"Well, Lewis kidnapped her and tortured her. He was a rapist and murderer."

"And you have suffered through long term abuse. Doug, who should have loved and protected you, beat you senseless, held you under water, broke your ribs gave, gave you a concussion, need I go on? He spent a night holding you against your will, violently beating and sexually assaulting you. Isn't that torture? What you went through was terrible. Your fears are valid. I know you've heard this before, but it will take time to recover and move on with life."

"Yeah…I guess," Rafael said. "I talked to my boss today."

"Oh? How did that go?"

"I told him that I want to try and return to work. I can't keep sitting around and doing nothing but dwelling on this."

"You're ready to take that step?" Dr. Wiebe asked, looking at Rafael with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah. I'm sure. Maybe a week or two after the trial is over. I told him what we talked about, consulting on some cases for a while before I head back into the court room."

"That's great. I think you just need to monitor your stress level before you resume your regular duties. Easing yourself back into work is the best way to handle things. We'll talk about that more when the time comes."

"Yeah."

"So the trial is winding down and Doug takes the stand tomorrow."

"Yeah." Rafael stood and walked over to the window. "It's going to be bad," he said, putting his fingers between the slats of the blinds and peering out the window. "I'll sit there and listen to him lie about what happened and about me. What other choice do I have?" he asked, his shoulder twitching into an involuntary shrug. The blinds snapped shut when he moved his hand to rub his forehead. "He and his lawyer already tried to spin this all on me anyway, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at whatever he comes up with."

Dr. Wiebe walked over to his desk and produced a stress-ball from one of the drawers. "I don't think that this will be the answer, but maybe it'll help," he said, handing the ball to Rafael. "Remember the coping strategies we talked about. Try it and see if it helps. If things get intense, squeeze it. If things get really bad, take a break. Don't force yourself to sit through his testimony if you get too overwhelmed. Don't let him intimidate you, and remember, he's the one on trial, not you."

"I'll try. It's all I can do, right?"

"Right. Will you have any support with you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Olivia is coming for sure, and maybe Fin."

"That's good. So where are you spending the night?"

"I guess at Olivia's. I really need to start staying at home more often."

"All in due time, Rafael. I have some time open tomorrow evening. If you need to come after court tomorrow, you just call and make an appointment."

* * *

Olivia smiled as she dimmed the lights and closed the door to Noah's room thankful that the toddler had finally fallen asleep. It had been a long day and probably an even longer one for Rafael she thought as her thoughts turned to him. When she saw his door was partially open she hesitated, wondering if she should disturb him. Ever since she had picked him up after his therapy session, he had been unusually quiet, which was understandable but still worrisome. _Just pop in and say hi to see how he's doing._ She took a breath and tapped lightly on the door. "Hey," she said, standing in the hall just outside of his room to see him sitting up in bed and looking at something in his hand.

"Hi." Rafael looked up from his hand curled around the stress-ball and smiled.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure. How's Noah?"

"Asleep for the night. Finally. How are you doing?"

"Good."

"Stress ball?" Olivia asked, pointing to his hand.

"Yeah. Wiebe gave it to me, for tomorrow. Maybe it'll help."

"Maybe," she said, smiling as she sat in the chair next to the bed. "Sorry we didn't really get to talk much after your session. How did it go?"

"Alright I guess." Rafael squeezed the ball a few more times and frowned. "I don't think this'll help." He let the ball roll out of his hand and watched as it rolled onto the bed beside him.

"Are you up to talking? I know that you had a rough day."

"Nothing much to talk about," he said. "I'd rather forget about it."

"Ok. Well I'm going to go relax and have a glass of wine. Come and join me if you change your mind," she said, smiling at him in encouragement.

"I'm just going to try and sleep," Rafael mumbled.

"Alright. I'll see you in the morning then." Olivia's smile faded as she stood and headed for the door. She hesitated at the door for a moment and turned around. "Have a good rest," she said. She wanted to run back to him, wrap her arms around him, and tell him that everything would be OK.

"Olivia?" Rafael called, when he saw her worried face. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"I know. Try and get some sleep," she said, turning and closing the door gently.

* * *

Olivia curled up on the couch sipping wine and flipping aimlessly through a magazine, wishing that she could have convinced Rafael to come out of his room and socialize, even if it was just with her. She knew not to push him too hard, but she was worried about how quiet and distant he had become. It wasn't that she expected him to be overly social and talkative, but, she didn't quite expect him to have become as introverted as he was either. As she tried to concentrate on an interior design article she had the sensation that she was being watched.

"Hi." Rafael said, when Olivia looked up from her magazine. "I didn't mean to interrupt," he said, gesturing at the magazine in her hand. He stood at the edge of the living room and wondered if she really wanted his company.

"You're not." Olivia tossed the magazine to the coffee table and forced herself to smile. His appearance shocked her. His pajama pants hung loosely and looked as though they may slide down his hips, his eyes were sunken, and made his face look drawn, gaunt, and exhausted. "Come sit down," she said, trying not to stare. "Would you like some wine?"

"No, thanks," he said, as he settled in at the end of the couch. "I forgot to tell you, I'm going back to work soon. Just part time to start."

"Really? I know you had talked about it bit a few days ago, but you didn't seem too sure about when." Olivia raised her eyebrows and passed him a plate with some cheese, crackers, and grapes.

"Thanks," Rafael said, taking a cracker and some grapes. "A couple of weeks after the trial ends, so soon. My therapist came up with the idea of easing back into it. I'll start by consulting on a case or two. Then slowly work back up to the usual. The DA said that was OK with him."

"That's good. That's a really good idea."

"Yeah," Rafael said. "I think it's time to try and get back to normal."

"Well I think it's a good idea. Just make sure you don't try to do too much at first," Olivia said, holding the plate towards him and hoping he take some more.

Rafael shook his head and waved the plate away. "I know."

"It might be hard for you to take a step back at first."

"I think I'll be fine with just helping for a while."

"Yeah? Sometimes it's good to sit back and let someone else take the lead. At least until you're feeling a little better."

"Yeah," he said, tugging at the hem of his pajama top. "Wiebe said it may take a while. I guess I'll see how it goes."

"Speaking of feeling better, how's your stomach holding up?"

"It's alright. It still gets upset a lot, but I have an appointment in a couple of weeks."

"Good. I'm glad you're getting it checked out."

"It's not such a bad thing. At least I've lost some weight."

"I've noticed. How much?"

"I think close to 15 pounds…maybe a little more."

"That's not good."

"It's not like I didn't need to lose a few pounds anyway."

"Well, I don't know about that. But, losing too much weight, too fast, and because you're having stomach issues and barely eating isn't a good thing."

"I know. It'll be fine…I finished those leftovers," he said, raising his eyebrows and hoping Olivia would drop the subject.

"Are you ready for court tomorrow?" Olivia asked, immediately sorry for the question she posed as soon as the words left her mouth. How could he ever be ready to sit and listen to Doug defend himself, spin the story of what he had done and surely slander Rafael in the process. "I'm sorry. I know you can't ever be ready for something so difficult."

"I'm worried about it. I know he's going to lie, and I'll have to sit and listen to it," Rafael said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm not looking forward to it," he said, turning his head to hide the tears about to burst from his eyes.

Oliva shifted closer to him and patted his shoulder. "I'll be there," she said softly. "Fin said he can come too. We'll be sitting right beside you the whole time."

"Thanks," he said. The gentle touch of Olivia's hand on his shoulder caused the tears welling in his eyes to spill and stream down his face. "I'm so worried about it. I'm afraid that no one will believe me."

"Oh, Rafael, I know it's tough. I know what happened, and I believe you. And so does Fin. I'm so proud of you for facing him and testifying against him. I know how hard it must have been." She reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table and turned to him. "Look at me," she said, smiling when he turned his head to her. "You're going to be alright. I promise."

Rafael nodded and wiped his eyes. "Sometimes I think things are getting better…but I still have those bad dreams. Not every night, but I still get them. I know I told you I'm better, but, I'm still scared of what he'll do to me. I haven't really gotten over that yet."

"I didn't think you'd be over the nightmares so quickly," she said. She sat on her knees beside him and gently wiped at his cheek. "Don't feel as though you have to hide things from me."

"It's really hard for me to talk about. I wish it was all over," Rafael said. He sighed, leaned against her shoulder, and closed his eyes as she helped to dry his tears.

"I know. The trial will be over in a couple of days. You've got a great plan to return to work, and soon, you'll move on with life." She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and cupped his chin in her hand. "You'll see," she said, trying not to let her voice break as she looked into his eyes, brimming with tears and filled with pain and sorrow. Her instincts told her that Rafael held many more painful secrets. "It's OK, sweetie," she said, shocked that she had just called him 'sweetie', and pleased that he didn't seem to mind. "You're going to get through this." She inched a little closer and held him tightly. "You're going to get through this," she said, again and again until his quiet sobs finally ceased.

Rafael nodded against Olivia's shoulder, grateful for her unwavering support. Smiling, he pulled away and sat up. "Thanks," he said, rubbing his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "I think I feel a bit better."


	14. Chapter 14

"Let's just say I felt sorry for him."

Rafael's head snapped up at the lies that poured effortlessly and convincingly from Doug's mouth. He had always been a good liar, and his testimony was proving to be no exception. With his salt and pepper hair, high-cheekbones, and chiselled good looks, Doug oozed charm and confidence. He was the walking definition of debonair, the opposite of the oft-perceived profile of a malicious and violent abuser.

"Why is that?" Buchanan asked, raising his eyebrows and leaning against the witness stand. "Can you tell us why you felt sorry for Mr. Barba?"

"He has…issues."

"Issues? What kinds of issues?"

"Well, it's sad really." Doug paused and looked over to the jury.

"You're referring to the troubled relationship he Mr. Barba had with his father?"

"Objection!" Isford cried, rising from his seat.

"Your honor." John Buchanan turned to the judge. "I'm trying to establish that Mr. Barba has accused others of abuse. This history of abuse and allegations of abuse is directly correlated to my client's defense. It will prove that Mr. Barba misinterpreted and even greatly exaggerated the events of the night in question."

"Overruled."

'Overruled'. The word rang in Rafael's ears. He squeezed his shoulders together in anticipation of the insane, yet oddly logical defense he was certain that Doug and Buchanan were going to use. Refusing to let himself become intimidated, Rafael threw his shoulders back and stared straight ahead at the witness stand as Doug and Buchanan launched into their attempt to discredit him and cast doubt on his story.

A broad smile crossed Buchanan's face. He walked slowly towards the jury and rested his hand on the wooden divider. He studied the jurors for a moment and turned back to Doug. "You said that your accuser, Mr. Barba's relationship with his father was troubled. How do you know that?"

"He told me."

"What did he tell you?"

"He said that his father was violent, physically and emotionally abusive, and that because of that, he had great difficulty with inter-personal relationships and that he tended to over-react to things."

"Did you believe him?"

"I did. I wanted to help him."

"Why?"

"Well, I felt bad for him," Doug said. "You can't help but feel for sorry for someone who grew up in such dysfunction and hardship. I really wanted to help. And…I loved him. Despite everything, I suppose I still do."

He's at it again, Rafael thought to himself. How many times did he listen to Doug professing love for him after a violent episode? It was always the same, Doug blaming him, hurting him, and then claiming to still love him. It all seemed so obvious now. Rafael cursed himself for not seeing the pattern, a pattern that he of all people should have recognized, years ago. He let out a quiet sigh and blamed himself for allowing the violence against him to go on for so long.

What happened next amazed Rafael. While he sat silently blaming himself for the entire situation and as Doug's words began to erode his confidence, Olivia reached over and let the tips of her fingers rest upon his hand. She smiled at him, leaned over and whispered, "This isn't your fault."

The corners of Rafael's mouth twitched into a tiny smile as he nodded at Olivia's words. Those words, which he desperately needed to hear at that moment, meant more to him than anything. Somehow, she knew that at that very moment, Rafael was beginning to crumble. It wasn't that Rafael suddenly felt empowered, but, her words reminded him that someone believed in him; even more than he believed in himself.

"That's very honorable of you to say that, considering the terrible things he has accused you of and the upset this has caused to your life," Buchanan continued.

"I'm just being honest. I can't undo the feelings I had for him for years because things ended up badly."

"So, tell us what happened that night."

"We picked up dinner from a take-out and I walked with him back to his hotel. I was going to leave, but he suggested that I come up to his room. It was a mistake for me to accept his invitation, but, I thought we could reconcile. That's really all I wanted, to work things out. We ate, we talked, and we became intimate. It was after that, that things became heated between us. We got into an argument and things became physical. It's not something I'm not proud of, but, that's what happened."

"You say that the two of you became intimate. Mr. Barba says you raped him."

"I don't know why he would say that. We had sex, several times through the evening. It was passionate, loud, make-up sex. You know what I'm talking about," Doug said, grinning and nodding at the jury.

Jury members tittered at the comment and Rafael again felt his confidence slip. His eyes flashed to the jury as they forced themselves to regain their composure and then to Doug, smirking, from the witness stand. Feeling his cheeks flush with humiliation, and seeing Doug's smug smile turn into a glare, Rafael lowered his head and reached into his jacket pocket for the stress-ball given to him by his therapist. Maybe it would help after all, Rafael thought as he felt its rubber texture between his fingers.

"I don't know why he said that I raped him," Doug continued. His glare lingered on Rafael for a long moment before his gaze shifted back to Buchanan. "I don't know where that accusation comes from," he said. He shrugged his shoulders and threw his hands into the air for effect. "I'm still shocked over it all."

"The sex was consensual?"

"100%."

"You didn't rape him?"

"No. Of course I didn't. He was my partner of five years. We had sex often, I had absolutely no need, nor desire to rape him. That accusation doesn't make any sense."

"So, you did not 'throw' him to the bed and then proceed to rape him, like he claims?"

"No. I would never do that. Besides, I could not have done that – not with my bad back."

"Yes," Buchanan said. "Your back." He walked to his table and retrieved several clear bags, each containing a piece of paper. He showed the bags to Doug and then held them up in front of the jury. "What are these?"

"Documentation of my medical history. Those are receipts, evaluations, and notes from my chiropractor, detailing my condition. I have been seeking regular treatment for my back for the last year. There is no way I'm capable of picking a grown man up and throwing him to a bed."

Rafael pulled the ball from his pocket and squeezed it as hard as he could. He closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten as another lie rolled easily off of Doug's tongue. Rafael opened his eyes and stared down at the bright yellow ball clenched in his fist. He licked his lips and relaxed his fist when he noticed Olivia staring down at his hand. _"He's lying,"_ he mouthed to her, as he stuffed the ball back into his pocket.

"I know," Olivia whispered, nodding her head and turning to glare at Doug. She turned back to Rafael, his eyes wide and worry etched on his face, and smiled as she gently patted the back of his hand.

"OK," Buchanan said. "So, the two of you had sex…consensual sex. What happened next?"

"Things became tense. I wanted to talk about our relationship and whether or not it was salvageable. He refused to talk to me and insisted that I leave."

"So why didn't you leave?"

"I was going to. After we started arguing, I went to give him a hug. I didn't want to leave on a bad note. He elbowed me in the stomach. I know I should have left, but we started arguing. That's when he hit me with the clock. I hit him back, and maybe that was wrong, but I was defending myself," Doug said, turning to the judge.

Rafael sucked in a sharp breath and his heart pounded. Shock, then disbelief set in as he realized that Doug and Buchanan were not only gas-lighting him, but were also alleging that he had been the violent aggressor who threw the first punch.

"I feel very bad about it. It was a heat of the moment sort of situation and I'm very sorry that things got out of control," he said, as he turned to look at the jury. "I wish I could take it back. But, I did not rape him or attack him. He started a physical altercation. I didn't back down, and I'm sorry for that."

"You suffered some injuries that night, didn't you?"

"Yes. I had a cut on the side of my head that required stitches and some bruises. But worse than that, is the toll these accusations have taken on my personal and professional life. I very nearly lost my livelihood. Thankfully, my firm and my clients have faith in me and have stuck by me through this whole…misunderstanding. I'm very grateful for that, but, it was tenuous at first."

"I'm sorry for your hardship."

"Thank-you."

"Nothing further," Buchanan said, glancing at the jury in an attempt to read them. A slight smile crossed his face as he nodded at Isford and sat down.

"Mr. Harte," Isford said, shuffling some papers and standing, "you're claiming that the two of you got into a verbal argument, which then led to a physical altercation. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Can you explain why, my client's injuries were so much more serious than yours?" he asked, crossing the floor and standing between the witness stand and the jury.

"Like I said, we got into a physical altercation, it was heated. We were both going at each other. When I left, we were both banged up, but otherwise ok."

"Banged up? Mr. Barba had a head injury, broken ribs, and serious bruising over his body. That's a little more than 'banged up', wouldn't you say?"

"Like I said, we had a very heated argument. Things got out of control, but I certainly didn't attack him."

"And you're also claiming that the sex was consensual?"

"Yes."

"Then why did my client suffer injuries related to a serious sexual assault?"

"Objection. Your honor, the expert medical witness testified that those injuries may have been sustained from rough, consensual sex," Buchanan said, standing and straightening his tie.

"The witness also said the injuries could have occurred from sexual assault," Isford countered.

"Overruled," the judge said. "But, watch your words counsellor. You may answer the question."

"The sex was rough, which, he liked. It was a turn on for both of us. We got a little carried away, but it wasn't rape. He consented. I consented."

"He asked you, in fact he begged you to stop. How is that consent?"

"No. He never once asked me to stop. If he did, I would have."

"You first told the police that you believed that someone else assaulted Mr. Barba. You denied that things became physical between the two of you."

"Yes. When they told me that he'd been raped and assaulted, I thought that someone else must have been a guest in his room. I certainly didn't do it. I thought that perhaps his other boyfriend did it. When I realized that he was accusing me, I told them what happened. We had sex and then, we got into a physical altercation. I still don't know if he didn't have another guest in the room after I left."

"So you admit to assaulting my client?"

"I admit that we both were part of a physical altercation. I'm sorry it happened. But, I'm a 53 year old man with a lot to lose. I don't go around beating and raping people."

"You don't? My client says you did. And his injuries back up his story."

"He's confused."

"Confused?"

"Yes. He has issues. Lots of them. He said so himself."

"Why would he make false allegations against you?"

"I don't know. Shame perhaps? Morning after regrets? Maybe, a way to discredit my name. He still owes me a sum of money, so perhaps a way to get out of that? Maybe, he believes what he's saying. I don't know."

"Oh, I think he does believe that you viciously assaulted him that night. You're quite a bit bigger than him, aren't you? What are you? 6'0, 6'1?"

"6'1. I'm also a man in my 50's, with a bad back. He's 10 years younger and he's quite strong. He's not incapable of throwing a punch, which is what he did that night."

"And now, you're claiming self-defence by saying that he threw the first punch?"

"Yes. I went to give him a hug, and he struck me."

"A hug? You grabbed him by his waist and forced him to the couch. He struck you in an attempt to get away from you."

"I'm sorry, but that's not how it happened."

"So you refuse to admit what really happened that night?"

"I have admitted what happened that night. I stand by my story, that the sex was consensual and that we became involved in a physical altercation. Nothing more. I am looking forward to the end of this trial so that I can move on with my life. I'm sure he is too. And I hope he gets the help that he needs."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief at her reaction to Doug's words. He was a manipulative liar, and nothing he said should surprise her, yet she found herself stunned at Doug's ability to sound smooth and sincere. She sighed and glanced sideways at Rafael, whose eyes were tear-filled and even wider than they were before. Her heart broke for him and her outrage towards the man who hurt him so terribly grew even deeper. She watched Rafael as he tried to disguise his tears with a yawn, covering his mouth and rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. Unable to contain her disgust, a groan escaped her throat as she reached over to give his hand a gentle squeeze.

"How noble of you," Isford said. "Nothing further."

* * *

"Rafael," Olivia called, as she watched him pace the lobby outside of the courtroom. "Rafael."

"What?" Rafael asked, turning to face Olivia.

"Here." Olivia smiled up at him and patted the bench beside her and slid over.

"One day," Rafael said, with a shake of his head and his eyebrows raised. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly as he sat. "The only deliberated for one day…I don't know about this."

"Rafael, I know this is hard. Just try and relax. We're both here for you," Olivia said.

"It's going to be OK," Fin said. "The guy is guilty as sin. The jury will see that."

Out of the corner of his eye, Rafael caught a glimpse of Doug and Buchanan as they entered the lobby and headed towards the courtroom, stopping to chat and smile with a growing entourage. He lowered his eyes and shook his head when Doug cast a long, slow look in his direction.

"Ignore him," Fin said, positioning himself in front of Rafael to block Doug's view. He turned to Doug, checking his phone as he casually strolled by, and glared. "Unbelievable. The nerve that guy has," Fin said after Doug finally walked away. "Don't let him get to you."

"I need some water," Rafael said, springing up from his seat. After a few steps, he stopped and turned on his heel. "I'll use the other one," Rafael said, shrugging his shoulders and pointing behind him at Buchanan and Doug.

Olivia looked up at Fin and sighed. "I'm worried about him," she said, watching as Rafael wandered off in search of a water fountain. "I hope the jury does the right thing."

"They will. They must have seen the guy for the creep he is."

"I hope you're right."

"Liv, I know you're worried about him. He's going to be alright. He's tough. He'll be back being a thorn in our sides before you know it."

"Yeah. I'm looking forward to arguing with him again," Olivia said. "Looks like they're almost ready to start," she said, standing and extending her arm when Rafael returned.

Rafael sucked in his lips and nodded. "OK." He looked nervously at the small crowd already filing into the courtroom and back at Olivia. His shoulders raised as he took a deep breath. "OK," he said, as he followed Olivia and Fin towards the courtroom.

"Rafael," Olivia said, stopping at the entrance to the courtroom.

"Yeah?"

"Remember, no matter what happens, no matter the outcome, you stood up against him and accused him in court," Olivia said as the rest of the crowd walked into the courtroom.

"I'll go sit down," Fin said, patting Rafael's and then Olivia's shoulders as he passed them.

"You have done all you can do, and now you'll move on and you'll put your life back together," Olivia said. "You survived, Rafael. You survived what he did, and you'll recover. Be proud of yourself for being brave enough to come here, every day for the last week, and face him."

"I don't feel very brave," he said, looking straight into Olivia's eyes.

"Come on, let's go sit," Olivia said, tapping Rafael's arm and smiling. She walked behind him down the aisle hoping and praying that the outcome of the trial would be in Rafael's favor.

As Rafael sat sandwiched between Olivia and Fin, feelings of helplessness overwhelmed him. He chastised himself for looking over at Doug, sitting only feet away, but it was hard for Rafael not to stare at him. Doug's air of confidence and his calm demeanor rattled Rafael so deeply, that he had to force himself to look away. Once again, he reached into his jacket pocket and felt the stress ball between his fingers. He rolled it around in the palm in his hand and pulled it out when chairs squeaked along the floor as Isford, Buchanan, Doug, and the jury forewoman rose from their seats. When the judge asked the forewoman if the jury had reached a verdict, Rafael stared down at his knuckles, turning white before his eyes, as he clenched his fist around the ball as tightly as he could. He held his breath and listened to his heartbeat echo in his ears, until it, and the sound of the juror opening the envelope containing his future, was all that he could hear.


End file.
